I Am My Kid's Mom

Once Again

2012-01-15T21:57:00.002-05:00

Here I am, once again.

It has been ages since I have posted on here on a consistent basis. I vascillate between wondering whether I should close down this blog forever, whether I should just keep it open for a reminder of the journey I have been through over the past several years, or whether I should start blogging once again.

If I started blogging again, where would I even begin? How would I begin? What would I say, and what would I refrain from saying?

All I know is that I have so much weighing on my heart right now, and I want so much to just write and write and write. . . but I know that there is so much that is better left unwritten and just kept in my heart.

Suffice it to say that it's been another year full of anguish. The one joy in my life is my little granddaughter, who brings warmth and laughter and love into my soul. She is the reason I keep on going every day.

I have lost so much this year. Relationships. And love. And I feel abandoned by so many - especially God. Why? Why do I keep on losing those whom I love?

Answers never come. Only silence. And the silence is often broken by the unbearable sobs which are accompanied by bitter tears.

2012. I wonder what this year will bring. I have no prayers left, unfortunately. Not ever answered. Not ever acknowledged. Not ever heard. I am lost. I am so very, very lost.

Matthew West - The Heart of Christmas

2011-11-29T20:57:00.000-05:00

My wish is for my family to be together this Christmas. To laugh, to love, to be the way we used to be. . . I miss the closeness and the desire to spend time with one another. I'm asking for a miracle.

Please pray for my oldest daugther

2011-11-08T09:34:00.002-05:00

I know it's been ages since I have posted. I have wanted to start writing again - but the words just done't come as easily as they used to. In the meantime, however, I do have an urgent prayer request for you.

My oldest daughter, as many of you know, has lupus nephritis. She has now developed lupus arthritis. The past couple of days, she is experiencing some significant symptoms which I believe can be attributed to another lupus nephritis flare. Please, please pray that God is with her during this time, and touches her body and mind and soul with His healing. It was 6 years ago tomorrow that she was so gravely ill at Children's Hospital (you can search my blog in November 2005 for that experience) - so the timing of this is a bit unnerving.

I love you, Sara, so much. I am here for you if you need me.

Susan Boyle performs 'Unchained Melody'

2011-11-03T02:20:00.000-04:00

BREATHTAKING!!!!!

The Best Day - Taylor Swift

2011-09-26T21:39:00.000-04:00

It's Me Again

2011-09-25T08:57:00.003-04:00

I am trying to decide whether or not to resurrect this blog, or branch out into different forms of writing. This blog has been dormant for awhile for many reasons, but I feel the need to begin writing again. Do I stay here, do I start a new blog, do I pursue other opportunities, do I begin to get very serious about my writing and aim to get published someday?

Life has had many twists and turns lately. Please keep me and my little family in your prayers. I think of all of my "old" friends that I have through this blog, and keep you in my prayers and wonder how you are doing. Some of you I have kept up with on Facebook, others of you have virtually dropped off the radar. I'd like to hear from ALL of you!

God bless. . . .

EWTN Family Prayer - For Those Who Have Left the Church

2011-09-20T09:30:00.000-04:00

Strong Enough by Matthew West

2011-07-14T12:24:00.000-04:00

I am definitely not strong enough. . .

You Are Mine - David Haas

2011-07-12T21:41:00.000-04:00

Dedicated to my friend, Frances, and her husband, Scott, and her two daughters. I had the privilege of meeting them a few years ago here in Ohio. You can read about her family's story at www.rebekahspage.blogspot.com God bless you and your family, Frances, as you face this journey. Love, Val

Celine Dion - A Mother's Prayer (Live)

2011-07-09T22:38:00.000-04:00

2011-05-07T21:40:00.002-04:00

"Every mother is like Moses. She does not enter the promised land. She prepares a world she will not see." Pope Paul VI

Who knows what the future will hold for my children? All I can do is stand in the gap, praying for them, and hope that I will see them, someday, on the other side. All that I do and have done has been centered around their needs, to nurture them and guide them, to love and comfort them, to teach them about Christ and to model Christian behaviors, to give without asking for anything in return. I love my girls so incredibly much. I would die for them. I would protect them from any evil. I will go to my grave with their names on my lips, and thanking God for the precious gift of being My Kids' Mom. May God bless them and keep them safe in His graces, now and forevermore. . .

I Can Only Imagine ~ MercyMe w/ London Symphony Orchestra

2011-04-22T23:01:00.000-04:00

Have a blessed Easter, my friends!!! I shall return next week to begin bloggin once again. I have missed writing immensely, and have so much to write about! Love to all. . .

Prayers during Lent

2011-03-09T14:02:00.003-05:00

I apologize for not posting that interview which I was supposed to do on February 17th. There have been many medical emergencies in my family and a couple of other pretty intense situations which have captured my time and energy. As soon as things settle down, I do plan on posting the interview, and my sincere apologies to Susan Weagant and Karen Power.

In the meantime, today is the First Day of Lent. I don't know how many followers I still have out there in blog-land, but I am asking for prayers for myself and my family during this Lenten season. I am exhausted and emotioanlly spent, and I need to find strength and comfort and guidance to do God's will. This is a very private battle, so I have decided to not go into specifics here. Just know that I appreciate all of you keeping me close in thought and prayer as I face whatever is yet to come. God bless you and yours.

Essentials of the Heart by Susan Weagant

2011-02-13T11:34:00.002-05:00

*Are you tired of playing hit and miss with your spiritual life?

*Are you looking for a more purposeful and committed walk with the Lord?

*Do you ever feel so broken that there seems to be no hope?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, Essentials of the Heart is for you. This thought-provoking book is full of personal examples and peppered with Scripture. Susan Weagant takes you from life-changing decisions to daily disciplines necessary for a passionate spiritual walk, using personal examples from her own past as encouragement. Join Susan on this spiritual journey to find out what decisions and disciplines are Essentials of the Heart.

I will be participating in a blog tour this week and posting an interview with Susan on February 17th. If you are interested in participating in a free book drawing, please leave me a comment below, and I will post the "winner" on the 18th.

God bless!

Happy New Year!

2011-01-15T23:07:00.002-05:00

January is halfway over, and I haven't even sent out Christmas cards. I haven't wished my blogging buddies a Happy New Year! And I haven't even been to Mass yet this year . . . thanks to being ill the past couple of weeks. I can't wait to walk through those doors tomorrow!!!! It's been so long, too long, since I've been inside my beloved church, since I've received Communion, since I've been part of our community of believers. . . and I do ache because I miss all of that so much.

It's amazing how much energy can be drained out of a person after having the "simple" intestinal flu bug, and then catch the "simple" common cold right after. It has felt good to get out and about the past couple of days - but I still get tired easily. Can't wait for my full strength to return because this old body is crying out for a good work-out and walking.

We had a great Christmas season, made even more special by the presence of KM, my precious 15 month old granddaughter. She is such a blessing and she brings so much joy into this household. She loved to walk around the house and kiss the Baby Jesus at all of our creches, while saying "Baby Zeezus" in a hushed tone, as if she knew how special that Baby truly is. DQ had a long break from school and enjoyed her relaxation time with friends and in front of her computer, writing. TP had a nice little trip to Wisconsin which she enjoyed thoroughly - and it was good for her to get away from the pressures of nursing school and being a single mom for just a few days.

Our family isn't perfect, but we are working on mending the drifts. Our family has had its' ups and downs, but we are working on becoming more stable. Our family has had more than enough anguish and pain,, but we are working on healing and growing closer. I see small steps being taken. And I see the miracle of a little baby in the household as the impetus and reason behind the tentative steps toward reconciliation, forgiveness, and restoration. So, KM has brought the innocence of a child's love back into the family, which has helped the pain and anguish be replaced with warmth and smiles and hugs, ever so slowly. For who can resist and impish little grin and a head on your shoulder with the little one saying "awww"? What unconditional love she brings - what power that has to bring us back together once again. So, our Christmas season even more than "great" - it was miraculous!

Josh Groban - O Holy Night

2010-12-26T20:27:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas to all of you!

Searching for Solitude. . .

2010-12-01T18:46:00.002-05:00

It's the first day of December, and it snowed today. Perfect beginning of the last month of this year. It wasn't enough to accumulate much, but it was just enough to thank God for the beauty of His earth and to be reminded of all of His blessings.

I am going through a great struggle right now, so I am asking for your prayers to hellp me through. It's a very private struggle, and it has life-changing consequences depending on what I decide to do. I have never felt this lost and alone and sad before. There is virtually nobody to talk to about this. Last night, I had a "meltdown" which lasted over an hour - just a long talk with God with lots and lots of tears and questions and not knowing what His will is in all of this.

I never thought I would get to this point in my life. But I am hurting and desparate and not sure where to go or what to do. I do know I am utterly exhausted and just need some time alone to think and pray. Solitude in the snow. . .

"Thankful"- Josh Groban Lyrics

2010-11-24T10:10:00.000-05:00

Gratefulness

2010-11-17T22:40:00.003-05:00

Confusion reigned as I groped for the alarm clock - what day is it, what time is it, surely it couldn't be time to get up already? Once the annoying sound was subdued, I placed my head on my pillow once again, and gazed up at the ceiling as I tried to sort through the fog that seemed to envelope my mind. Slowly, I recalled what day it was. . . and the tears began to slowly fall down my cheeks as I realized that the day I had been dreading for so long had arrived. She was leaving. She was moving away. How was I ever going to get through it - the goodbyes, the pain, the emptiness?

That scene happened almost two years ago when TP moved up to Michigan. I remember it vividly as if it happened yesterday. If I allow myself to dwell on it too long, I can once again feel the anguish I felt that day as I watched her car drive out out of our driveway.

She is safe, back at home with us, working part-time for a homeless agency, and going to nursing school full-time. She is also, most importantly, a mommy to a beautiful one year old little girl. I see her mature before my eyes. I see the bond between her and her daughter grow stronger everyday. Many, many prayers have been answered; many tears have dried; and the scars are healing while the pain subsides. She has been home for over a year now, but every now and then I am reminded of the time we were apart, and it makes me ever so grateful that God was faithful during the depths of my despair and brought me through to the other side, where now there is love and laughter and an impish toddler to fill my days.

Through it all, DQ watched and hovered over me, loved me fiercely and protected me from harm's way. She hated what I was going through, and tried so hard to take the pain away. We watched "House" episodes during winter months every night, and planned her graduation party. Life went on without TP, but there was a hollowness to it, and the joy was gone from my eyes. DQ is maturing, too - she is healing from past hurts and is opening up to me about many things. This season of her life is one of confusion, of trying to figure out who she is - but at least she is talking to me and not being defiant. She questions, but is searching for answers rather than questioning authority. Some anger is left over towards TP, but for the most part, they get along better than I ever imagined possible given how much DQ hated what I was going through before because of TP. They are tentative with each other - sometimes they do yell - but for the most part, they are trying to redefine their relationship to see how they fit in with each other. DQ has taken a strong liking to the baby - but she will never admit it because she's not overly fond of babies in general. However, I catch her talking to the baby gently, or playing with her at times. I am certain, eventually, DQ and TP will be close again.

This holiday season shall be a special one. Thanksgiving will be especially poignant this year. Christmas will be filled with joy as the little toddler girl opens her gifts and plays with the wrapping and the boxes rather than the gifts. She will be observing all of the traditions and taking each one of them in - and eventually, she will pass on those traditions to her own family as she recalls the Nana she lived with when she was little. Traditions like putting the baby Jesus in the Nativity Set on Christmas Eve before going to bed, going to the Christmas concert where Santa makes an appearance, watching The Muppett's Christmas Carol, singing Christmas carols around the baby grand, opening one gift on Christmas Eve, and checking the stockings first and then eating breakfast and then opening gifts. She will be wide-eyed and entranced by the magic of the season - the music, the lights, the laughter, the love. She will hear the tale of Jesus' birth time and time again. And she will be wished the happiest of New Year's ever!

I am ever so humbled and grateful to the Lord for all of his blessings. My life is full. I know that there will be times of sorrow again, but when that happens, I will face it with the knowledge that God is in control and those times have purpose and meaning to them, and He will bring me through them. Of that, I am certain.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I am not certain I will get a chance to post again until after Thanksgiving, so I did want you to know that I am grateful for your presence in my life. God bless you and yours!

Opera Company of Philadelphia "Hallelujah!" Random Act of Culture

2010-11-07T08:58:00.000-05:00

Living in His Light

2010-10-31T06:48:00.003-04:00

Today is Halloween, and then it's the Christmas season. Already the stores have their Christmas decorations out, and some even have Christmas music in the background. While some people may grumble and complain about the "earliness" of this commercial preparation for Christmas, I actually don't mind it because it gives me more time to spiritually prepare for Christmas. It's a reminder to me that now is the time to take steps to make sure I am ready for Christ's birth and His second coming. Granted, throughout the year, I am continuously aware of Christ's presence in my life; but this time of the year, I am more conciously aware of the efforts I need to take in my life to make me a better person and to engage in actions and thoughts which will glorify Him.

This spiritual journey of mine has taken me through many valleys and curves and even u-turns. I've been lost, and then I've been found - time and time again. I've cried in anguish and out of sense of great despair, and I've cried in joy and a sense of deep gratitude. I've lost sight of my purpose in life, and then I've regained God's purpose for me in my life.

I'm at the stage of my life where my aging is becoming more and more apparent, where illnesses in friends and family members are becoming more prevalent, and where no longer my life spreads out endlessly before me. I want to make sure that the rest of my life is spent not being lost in the forest of doubt and fear, but rather to used as a beacon for God's light to others, to touch others in such a way that they will sense God's presence in their lives, too. I am humbled by my vocations, for I am offered opportunties everyday to do just that - as a mom and a grandma, as a wife, and as a counselor. But I struggle so much with this. It's not that I don't want to show others God's light and His way - but things or people sometimes get in the way of doing this. I am met with resistance from all sides, at times. I get weary of the constant battle of good versus evil. I grow tired of outside influences which tear apart all that I have tried to build up over the years. The only way to combat all of these things is prayer - constant prayer - and drawing upon His strength so I can continue on with God's purpose for my life.

For today, I pray for the grace to be able to do all that God is asking me to do - to meet the needs of my family willingly and without complaint, to be open to meeting the needs of others when I sense they need someone to talk to or just to listen, to pray for all those people who are in need of God's protection and strength in their lives. For today, I ask God to show me the way to glorify Him in all that I do. I cannot do this thing called "living" without Him - for I am nothing without Him.

I am being called to write more frequently on my blog. I am not sure in what direction my writing is taking me - if I'm going to continue to focus on my family, or if I am going to speak in more general terms, or if I am going to share more of my personal spiritual journey. I will just trust in Him to show me the way.

A Full Circle

2010-10-19T21:58:00.003-04:00

KM's soft baby's breath on my cheek brings tears to my eyes, and I snuggle her body even closer to mine. What a blessing she is - what a precious gift. She's impish, delightful, stubborn,loving, a charmer, a giggler, and just a joy to be around. I think of all the pain that we went through prior to her birth, and that pain is washed away with the gentleness of her sigh. She is content and happy and well-loved and safe - just like her mommy - and that is all that matters.

Being a "nana" brings so much to my life. Watching KM grow and change often brings back memories of when TP and DQ were little - so it's kind of like de ja vu - and I'm swept back in time when life was simpler and kinder and less stressful. But this time of my life, while different than what it was before, is so much richer and fuller. The nostalgia is kind of bittersweet, but the reality of my current life is even sweeter. I have been through so much - I have survived - I have thrived - all thanks to God's grace and strength. The knowledge that He has been right next to me through it all brings me such comfort and gratitude. For without Him, I would be nothing. And with Him, I can be all He wants me to be - a mom, a wife, a nana, a counselor, a friend . . . and His faithful daughter.

It's been a full circle for me. I'm still healing, but I am stronger. Life keeps on throwing some punches at me - and I keep on taking them - but I know that I can keep on going because God is right here, protecting me and guiding me. Thank you, dear Lord, for all that you have given to me.

A Precious Gift

2010-09-22T23:40:00.003-04:00

Her tiny fingers wrapped around my index finger - and softly, she began to rub my finger up and down. Her breathing became slower, more relaxed, softer. She was finally asleep.

She had had a very busy day, this first day of autumn, which also happened to be her very first birthday. She laughed, played peek-a-boo, did pat-a-cake, played with her toys, and begged to be held and snuggled with and loved all day. Her infectious smile kept a smile on my lips as I spent this special day with my little granddaughter, who has captured my heart and who is so very precious and beautiful.

It was at 9:06 p.m. that she arrived a year ago on September 22. It's difficult to imagine life without her now. I love her dearly, and she is the very image of her mother at that age. Her mommy is doing very well - TP is in nursing school now (a junior pursuing her BSN) and working part-time. Her auntie DQ is a sophomore and is a passionate cook and a wonderful creative writer. Her grandpa is her "main man", and she just adores him.

And me? Well, I am STILL "my kids mom", but I'm a nana now, too, which adds a whole new dimension to my life. I hope to begin to write again more frequently. I have started writing again for an online magazine (can't tell you which one yet - but you'll find out in a couple of weeks). I've missed this outlet a lot over the past year, and I find that I am being drawn back into my words once again. I look forward to getting to know you all over again - I've been away much too long.

And little KM - happy 1st birthday! I love you more than you'll ever know. May you stay safe in God's graces now and forevermore.

Josh Groban - Hidden Away

2010-09-15T21:25:00.000-04:00

Josh Groban - Gira Con Me

2010-06-27T18:01:00.000-04:00

Mercy Me Homesick with lyrics

2010-05-16T22:00:00.000-04:00

steven curtis chapman--be still and know

2010-05-15T23:37:00.000-04:00

Flash Mob at the Ohio Union 5/3/2010 - The Ohio State University

2010-05-07T12:25:00.000-04:00

I'm Back!

2010-04-23T09:55:00.001-04:00

I'll be writing again for CWO beginning in September!!! I'm so excited and can't wait to get started. Of course, that means that I will begin to blog again on a regular basis, beginning next month. It's been WAY too long - I have missed writing so much.

Talk to you soon!

Happy Birthday to TP!

2010-03-19T22:37:00.001-04:00

As the song says, "I'm 22 for a moment. . . "

Happy 22nd Birthday, Sara! It's difficult to believe that 22 years have slipped away, as years have a habit of doing. May the next 78 years of your life be filled with love, joy, contentment, health, faith, and compassion. I love you so very much! You are precious to all of us, and we thank God every day for your presence in our lives.

Love, Momma

Happy Birthday, DQ!

2010-02-25T23:26:00.002-05:00

Today is DQ's 19th birthday! It seems difficult to believe that she is that age already! We've had a great day together, topping it off with dinner at her favorite restaurant. She has plans for her life and determination to make her dreams come true, and I'm enjoying watching her blossom.

I know I haven't blogged for, ummm, about 2 months. Life has been busy with a little baby in the household, but that little life has brought so much joy to all of us. And her mommy, TP, is a great mom who is balancing motherhood, work, and going back to nursing school with great determination and perserverance.

I shall return to blogland sometime soon. I definitely miss writing - it's just a matter of finding the time to put my thoughts together and making them cogent! In the meantime, God bless all of you, and I miss you!

What Is Christmas? - A Carol For The Troops

2009-12-25T17:29:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas, Everyone!!! From our house to yours, may God's peace fill your homes. This is our first year as grandparents, and it brings a whole new dimension to our lives - so we want to wish a very special Christmas to our daughters and granddaughter. God bless us everyone.

Susan Boyle - How Great Thou Art

2009-12-09T13:21:00.001-05:00

My husgand's grandmother's favorite hymn.

Perhaps a hint for a Christmas gift????

A Tribute to Mom - One Heartbeat At A Time

2009-12-02T07:36:00.001-05:00

To my daughter, TP - what you are doing is, by far, THE most important thing in the whole wide world - being a mom. KM is a beautiful little baby, and so lucky to have you as her mommy. Keep up the good work! And never lose sight of the fact that God entrusted KM into your care. I love you.

"Thankful"- Josh Groban

2009-11-26T12:45:00.001-05:00

For the third year in a row, I am posting this beautiful song by Josh Groban. I am thankful that it is this year, and not last year when I was in so much pain on Thanksgiving Day. I am thankful to each of you who helped me get through this past year. And I am so grateful that my family is intact once again. Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours, and may God bless you!

National Adoption Month

2009-11-22T00:10:00.002-05:00

November is National Adoption Month. As you know, adoption is an integral part of my life, as both of my girls are adopted.

In fact, right now, I am in a different state, spending time with my oldest daughter's birth mom! What an emotional experience it has been. I never expected the full impact this has had on me, and it will take awhile for me to process it and even write about it.

Suffice it to say, I am grateful for this opportunity to meet TP's birth mom and the rest of her "new" family.

But, you know, somewhere in the mix of all of this, one thing has been overlooked. And that is I feel very left out. I'm the outsider now. It's been painful for me. Yet, I know how important and wonderful and exciting it is for TP. But, why do I feel like I am losing her????

More on this later, after I get a chance to think it all through. . .

George Winston - Thanksgiving

2009-10-31T20:31:00.001-04:00

November is the month of the Thanksgiving holiday. This piece reminds me of the greatest gifts of all - God's love, peace, comfort, and strength. I have so much for which to be thankful this year! I will write more this week of all that has been happening in my little family - but, in the meantime, I wanted to put you in the mood for this month of gratitude.

Susan Boyle ~ ''Wild Horses''

2009-10-21T12:07:00.001-04:00

October is National Lupus Awareness Month

2009-10-17T20:57:00.002-04:00

As usual, every October I like to draw my readers' attention to the fact that this month is National Lupus Awareness Month. My oldest daughter, who is now 21, was diagnosed with lupus nephritis when she was 16 years old. She recently gave birth to a baby daughter, and my daughter's prayer is that her daughter will not suffer from from this disease.

Please visit the Lupus Foundation of America website for further information on this insidious disease. While my daughter is now in remission, the disease can flare up again at any given moment. In fact, she is at a higher risk over the next 6 months of developing a flare due to recently giving birth, what with all of the hormonal changes her body went through as a result of the pregnancy.

If you are so inclined, the Lupus Foundation is a great organization for which to send a monetary donation. They still have yet to unlock the causes behind this mysterious disease, and progress in finding new treatments is slow, but I do know that if my daughter had been born 20 or 30 years earlier, her prognosis would be very grim. Some very famous people have died from this disease, including Flannery O'Connor, who is one of my all-time favorite writers.

On the home front, things are going very well. The baby, KM, is now over 5 pounds, and is a very good baby. TP is a great mom - very attentive and nurturing. She has gone through two hurdles in order to be accepted into nursing school in March, and is waiting on final word for the third hurdle. DQ loves her little niece and has been asked to be the godmother. My husband and I are "adjusting" to grandparenthood quite well - we enjoy having a baby around!!! I'm busy with the family and my work - and I am feeling very blessed. This is my favorite time of year. Last year at this time, I was in much pain; and right now I am in the process of healing from that pain. I have learned many lessons over the past year, and I will be writing more about that in the upcoming weeks/months. God bless you all.

Music Video When God Ran

2009-10-07T13:27:00.001-04:00

For all prodigals out there - how awesome it is when God runs to you and welcomes you back home again.

It's a miracle!

I'm so grateful for my miracle, and I am keeping all other prodigals and their parents in my prayers. It's been two months since my prodigal return - and I am so totally grateful and blessed and thankful that she's back home, safe and sound.

Thanks to Diane Viere for posting this on her Facebook! It's a beautiful song.

They are Home!

2009-10-02T21:38:00.003-04:00

TP brought KM home from the hospital today - all 4 pounds and 5 ounces of sweet baby love. They are both sleeping contentedly right now - but soon it will be time for yet another feeding. The crib is set up - the same one in which TP slept in 21 years ago. I'm overwhelmed with the memories of days gone by when my girls were babies, with gratitude that TP is home once again, with joy that KM is healthy, and with just contentment that my family is whole once again. And we are all safe and sound under the same roof.

I will write more later - I'm just so exhausted right now. But thank you, all of you, for your prayers and support. I appreciate all of you.

Martina McBride - In My Daughter's Eyes (LIVE)

2009-09-26T18:16:00.001-04:00

To my daughter, TP, who just gave birth to her daughter, KM, on Tuesday. You know know the depth of a mother's love - I can see it in your eyes, your touch, your gentleness with your little one. I love you so very much, babe - and I love the little miracle to whom you just gave birth.

A Tiny Arrival

2009-09-23T12:52:00.003-04:00

On the first evening of autumn, God blessed the world with a tiny new arrival, who weighs a mere 3 pounds and 14 ounces, and who is 17 and 1/4 inches long. She is a beautiful baby girl who looks just like her mommy did at birth, only about half the size! She is a precious child of God, this little granddaughter of mine. I am so proud of TP. Nothing is better than seeing your own child have a child of her own - and watch how the maternal instinct kicks in immediately, and how the love just flows into the mommy's heart and soul eyes. TP was high-risk due to pre-eclempsia plus her lupus, and the doctors were amazed that she carried little KM for as long as she did without complications before this. They are pleased with KM's development, but will keep her in the NICU for a couple of weeks just to let her grow a little more.

Just as her mom usherd entered into the world on the very first day of spring, KM welcomed fall on the very first day of autumn 21 and a half years later.

So, welcome to the world, little one. Let's see what gifts God has given you which will help you make this a better world to live in, and may you always remain safe in God's graces. Thank you, dear Lord, for the miracle of KM and TP. I am a Nana!!!

TP is in the hospital

2009-09-19T08:07:00.002-04:00

TP is in the hospital - it's either preeclempsia or a lupus flare - so they are monitoring her very closely. It looks as though they will deliver little KM sometime soon. TP is a little over 34 weeks pregnant and KM is only 4 pounds and 2 ounces. So, please say a few prayers that all goes well. Thank you!

Happy Anniversary!

2009-09-13T09:09:00.003-04:00

Happy Anniversary to my husband of 34 years! I've been blessed with the best husband, and I pray that we are able to share another 34 years together (at least). He's been a wonderful husband and a great dad to our two daughters. He's my best friend, my rock, and we've stuck it out through the best and the worst of times.

I had a wonderful time in Michigan this past week. It was so good to see my in-laws and some relatives and friends. I had breakfast with two of my best friends in high school - one of whom I hadn't seen in 15 years - and we picked up right where we left off. One evening, I was alone on the beach for two hours, writing and watching the sun go down. So peaceful, relaxing, and such a soothing balm for my heart and soul. I left there feeling at peace, content, and ready to face this new chapter of my life.

DQ starts college next week - she is SO ready to go! She is growing stronger and more confident every day, and I know she'll do great in all of her classes. She still needs to pass her maneuverability test for driving - and hopefully, that happens this week or we could be in transportation trouble with her starting school on the 23rd! TP is now seven and a half months along - and she is into the "nesting" phase of her pregnancy, getting her little "apartment" all ready for the arrival of KM (the baby). Please pray for the safe delivery of a healthy baby, and for TP's health as well. And, I've been reading so much negative news about this swine flu vaccine, that I'm not at all certain TP should even have it. She always has such negative reactions to the flu and pneumonia vaccines, and I'm afraid that might be the case with this one as well.

Fall housecleaning has begun - so much to do before the baby arrives. Work is going well - lots of new clients, my two new contractors are working out very well, and the computer program to do the billing should be up and running soon. TP is helping out with the administrative stuff, so that is a big help.

I'm looking forward to autumn - it's my favorite time of year. There is much for which to be grateful this year. Thank you, dear Lord, for your many blessings.

September 11, 2001

2009-09-11T06:36:00.001-04:00

In memory of the lives lost. We shall never forget.

New Beginnings

2009-08-23T15:52:00.002-04:00

It seems so different, so weird, to not be out buying school supplies, uniforms, clothes, etc. this year. It's my first year in about 17 years that I haven't done so - and I feel like I'm going through back-to-school withdrawal!!!

But, more importantly, it is just another poignant reminder of how fleeting time is, and how our children leave behind their childhoods so quickly, and leave us with young adult with whom we must forge a different kind of relationship.

DQ will start her freshman year at college in a month - and she doesn't need very much in the way of back to school stuff as she will be living at home with us. She has plenty of clothes, although she may get a couple of new tops and a pair of jeans. TP will start up nursing school again in March (hopefully!), and she is basically all set and ready to go, except she will need a new laptop.

Each of us are facing new beginnings in our own right - DQ as a college student, TP as a new mom and a returning nursing student, and my husband and I as grandparents, as well as parents of adult children now. We just pray that all of these transitions, beginnings, and new routines will go smoothly - and that we find joy and healling in our family as we travel this road together.

It just feels so good to have the whole family home again - safe and sound under the same roof! Please say some prayers that TP gets a job this week (it looks promising that she'll have a job with her "new" aunt - her birth mom's sister), and that DQ continues her exceptional effort of accepting this new set of circumstances. I hope all of you have a wonderful week!

Transitions

2009-08-16T06:54:00.003-04:00

TP has been home now for about 11 days. It's wonderful to have her back home with us, and she seems to be settling in overall. She has applied for jobs, made some doctor's appointments, filled out the application for nursing school which she'll begin in March, has reconnected with old friends, and even went to Mass with me last night. Her appetite seems to be coming back, and we've gone out to eat a couple of time which she has enjoyed.

She has been through so much. And she has made a courageous decision which was a very painful and difficult one for her to make. But I sense her desire to do the right thing for herself and her baby. I feel her determination to make a good life. I know that even though there are times she is sad, she is happy she is back home. There is a quiet strength about her - a strength which God has given to her to help her through this difficult time. She knows she is surrounded by those of us who love her and who will protect her and the baby; she knows that we are here for her to help her in whatever way we can. This knowledge strengthens her, too.

DQ is working hard on making the adjustment - and I can see the great progress she has made in terms of TP coming back home. She loves her sister very much, but there is still some healing to take place. That process may take some time, but I can see signs of DQ's anger lessening, and a willingness to begin to let TP back into her life. I am reminded of the Prodigal Son, and how the other son reacted to the prodigal's return, so I am trying to assure DQ of our love and support for her during this time.

I believe the whole family is going through the healing process - with the help of God's grace and prayers being said by us and for us. It's been a very painful year, and we have all struggled and yet grown as a result of it. My faith was tested, but it has deepened as a result of the anguish. My love for all members of my family has grown deeper, too - and I am so much more aware of how precious my girls and my husband are to me.

TP - I am so very proud of you. While I know you put on a brave front, I know down deep you have some fears and sadness. But despite those feelings, you continue on this path towards making a new life for yourself and KM. May God bless you and bring you peace and comfort.

DQ - I am so very proud of you, too. You have shown a great amount of maturity even though you've been in a lot of pain, too, over the past year. Thank you for your understanding and willingness to accept the situation and work on healing your anger.

And to my husband - thanks for all your support and love. I know it's been difficult for you, too - but you will always do the right thing for the family. And I know how much you missed TP, too, and that you are glad she is back, safe and sound.

We have a lot to face in the next few months as this transition takes place and a new member of the family is welcomed into our home. But, we are committed to providing TP and DQ and KM with a loving and secure environment in which to thrive and grow and be safe. There may be some difficult times, but we all love each other and we will make it through. God has been there through it all - and He will continue to be with us now and in the future. KM will be welcomed with loving hearts and open arms.

And thank you, dear Lord, for bring TP back home to us. It truly is a miracle.

Home Safe and Sound

2009-08-05T22:49:00.003-04:00

TP is now home with us, safe and sound. We are grateful she has decided to return to her family. Our prayers have truly been answered! Thank you for all of your love and support and prayers over the past couple of years. It has meant the world to me and my family.

We are making tons of plans, and I will fill you in on them as we go along.

In the meantime, Daddy, DQ, and I are SO happy you are home, TP! You are loved.

Safe Travels

2009-07-31T09:32:00.002-04:00

TP is leaving to go back to Michigan this afternoon, so I pray that she has a safe journey. She had such a good time with her birthmom and her half-sisters and other relatives. It's going to be difficult for all of them to say "goodby", but it's not a final farewell; in fact, it's just the beginning of their relationships. I know BMP will be having a hard time saying goodbye; but hopefully it won't be as painful as when she said goodbye 21 years ago in the nursery. But I know her heart, and I know her concerns about TP's current situation, so in some ways, it may be even more difficult to part this time around.

May you have safe travel back to Michigan, TP. And may the journey ahead of you bring you the security and love and stability for which you long. I pray your journey brings you back home to Ohio, where we await to embrace you once again. Love, Momma

There is No Place Like Home!

2009-07-29T20:47:00.003-04:00

TP was a little tired tonight when I talked to her, and had some pregnancy-related nausea. They were up all night, and she didn't go to bed until around 8:00 a.m. They weren't sure what they were going to do this evening, but hopefully, it will be something fun!!! It's great to listen to her laugh with her half-sisters and her birth mom - they "snort" when they get to laughing too hard!!! So, I'm sure this time has gone by quickly for her - but I'm so grateful that she has had this opportunity to meet and spend time with her other family. The bond she has made with all of them will never be broken, just like the bond that she has with us will never be broken, no matter what. We love her dearly, she is precious to us, and we want what is best for her and her baby. Our prayer for her is that she remains safe and healthy and emotionally close to us always.

I love you, babe - and I truly do miss you! I could use one of your big hugs which used to take the breath out of me. Actually, I physically ache to hold you once again - that is how much I miss you. Enjoy whatever time you have remaining at your birth family's place. And always remember - there is NO PLACE like home! I love you, forever and always.

Please and Thank you

2009-07-28T11:43:00.001-04:00

Please say some prayers for me. I am not in very good shape right now. Thank you.

Somewhere Out There

2009-07-27T20:39:00.001-04:00

This is the song I ussd to sing to you, TP, as I would rock you to sleep when you were just a little thing. I would think of your birth mom, who was underneath the same big sky, probably thinking about you and wondering about you - and always loving you. You are now in her arms tonight, and life has come full circle. I am now the one who's thinking about you and loving you tonight, wishing that we were together, and knowing that love will see us through. So, look up at the sky tonight, sweetie. Know that we are looking at the same star. Know that our love can span over all the distance - whether the distance is geographical or emotional. And when I look at that star, my wish will be that you will find your way back home to us. And that your life will include not only us, but your birth family as well. And that KM will be safe and sound in your arms while you sing her this same exact song. I love you, Babe. I miss you!

The Prince of Egypt:There Can Be Miracles When You Believe

2009-07-26T15:16:00.001-04:00

I understand you sang this song the ohter night, TP. I believe in miracles, and I believe one is going to happen very soon. I love you and miss you so very much. Momma

The Iowa Trip

2009-07-26T12:27:00.002-04:00

TP's Iowa trip is going well. She and her half-sisters could be triplets, and she looks just like her birth mom! They are spending a lot of time doing a lot of fun things together and meeting tons of relatives. I think she is learning a lot of valuable life's lessons while there - how important family is, how to defend your family when others are putting it down, and how a man is supposed to treat a woman (with respect and tenderness and not with name-calling and control and manipulation and anger and just plain meanness.) This whole experience is giving her food for thought.

Just remember, TP - you are loved by your birth family and your adoptive family. We want what is best for you AND your baby. We want you to be free from stress and control and people making you feel like you are worthless. The names you are called by others and that I have been called by others are cruel and nasty, and are being used to purposefully hurt you. Is that the kind of life you want for KM? Did you ever see your Dad treat me like that? How was I being "hypocritical?" Haven't I always strived to walk the talk - by living out my values in thoughts, words, and deeds? I will not sacrifice my values for anything because that would go against God's commandments and His word. Thank you for defending me - that meant the world to me!!! The baby you are carrying needs to be nurtured and loved in a stress-free environment, especially over the next few months before it is born, because it is critical for her emotional and physcial well being. We love you, and know that KM is at the top of your priority list right now.

We will welcome you home with open and loving arms. There are so many possibiities for you and KM here, too - church, school, jobs, and a stable environment. But most of all, the TENDERNESS you crave for, and which KM will need so much of and which she will thrive on. I love you and miss you bunches.

On a Wing and a Prayer

2009-07-22T09:11:00.002-04:00

TP leaves Friday morning on a long-awaited journey to meet her birth mom in real life.

TP was adopted at birth, and we have always been open about this. Over the years, she expressed curiousity about her birth mom and a desire to meet her, and she knew that it was possible to do when she turned 21. Well, on May 4th, she had her first contact by phone with BMP (initials I will use when referring to this beautiful lady), and they have been developing a strong relationship via phone, emails, Facebook, and IM's. TP allowed me to get to know BMP by giving me her contact information, too, so it's been quite a wonderful experience getting to know this woman who gave us the greatest gift of all.

I have no qualms or reservations about this - I embrace this process without fear or anxiety. I look forward to the day when I get to meet BMP and the members of her family, too. But, I am especially grateful and excited for my daughter to FINALLY meet this woman who gave her birth, and who has loved her from afar all of these years. I am glad that TP will have all of her questions answered.

TP has enough love in her heart to love two mothers. She's very fortunate to have two moms who love her very deeply. I know that I can't ever be "replaced", and all TP wants is the opportunity to get to know and love her birth mom. She and I are growing closer once again, and I am overwhelmed with gratitude that our connection is getting stronger everyday.

So, I send you to Iowa on a wing and a prayer, my beautiful daughter. May you bask in the glow of your BMP's love and nurturing and care. May this journey bring you peace, happiness, courage and strength - may it complete the circle which began at your birth and make you "whole." I love you, and you are so precious to me. Have a safe journey, and I can't wait to see pictures!!!

And thank you, dear Lord, for bringing this about. In your wisdom, you knew the time and place that this would happen, and it is happening at just the right time in TP's life. And thank you for BPM, and our precious daughter, TP.

Linda Newton - Blog Tour

2009-07-19T00:01:00.006-04:00

Linda Newton, author of 12 WAYS TO TURN YOUR PAIN INTO PRAISE: BIBLICAL STEPS TO WHOLENESS IN CHRIST has stopped by my blog to deliver an interview to my readers.

Please leave a comment to enter a drawing to receive a FREE copy of her book. Please note that Linda's comments are in regular print, while the questions or comments directed to Linda are in bold print. I hope you enjoy the interview! As a Christian counselor myself, I found this book to be powerful and amazing!

Linda's opening: I'm delighted to be here with you sharing about something that puts wind in my sails - helping people heal from emotional pain and lead empowered lives.

What a timely book, 12 WAYS TO TURN YOUR PAIN INTO PRAISE; BIBLICAL STEPS TO WHOLENESS IN CHRIST! With our current economic and political climate we certainly need steps to turn our pain into praise.

I agree. I find that the same tools that help us deal with our damaged past can guide us through an insecure future. I wrote this book to help people who feel "stuck" because of the dysfunction, divorce, depression, abuse, grief and guilt in their lives, but I am walking through these same principals each day in my counseling office with folks who are dealing with the difficulties of job loss, anxiety, and marriage issues in a struggling economy.

You're a counselor and an abuse survivor. Will you tell us a little of your story?

I grew up in the deep South and I wish I could say we spent happy hours saying, "Yes Ma'am" and "No Sir" and "Good Night, John-Boy." But nothing could be further from the truth. In reality, I was ten years old before I realized that God's last name wasn't damn! My Daddy took off when I was five, and raising four kids alone brought out the worst in my mother. She became abusive with a bust-your-lip, black-your-eye kind of punishment - the kind of pain that stings your face for a while but sears your souls for a lifetime.

The neighbor-lady from across the street took me to church. I found Christ and He changed my life. That church helped me get to Christian college. On my quest for my own healing, I became a Christian counselor and have had the privilege of working with God's precious people for the past seventeen years in my office at a growing church in California.

You talk about one of those people, Donnetta Jean, as she moves through the steps to get the healing she needs. Is she a real person?

Donnetta represents the many damaged people in today's postmodern culture - distanced by pain from the God they desperately need.

When I read a self-help book, I love to see personal examples of the tools presented, but I find myself wondering how the person in the example turns out. In 12 Ways you get to walk through the process from start to finish as you see the healing of Donnetta Jean unfold. Then you know the path for your own healing.

You started each chapter with a word that starts with the letter "P." That had to take some work.

Each chapter is one of the steps, and I did that to make them easy to remember. I'm at the stage of life when I stop and think and forget to start up again! Alliteration helps things stick in my head.

My first "P" is Perspective. Chapter 3 and 4 include Prayer and the Power we find in God's Word. They are pivotal parts of recovery, to be sure, but until we adjust our perspective to see what's good in life, we can't reap the benefit of prayer and scripture reading. Before I shifted my perspective, God could have parked a burning bush by my front door to convince me of His love, and I would have stamped out the fire and complained about the inconvenience! It took a long time for me to train myself to see the cup half full instead of always seeing it half empty. But without that fundamental change, it wouldn't matter how much God intervened in my life to bring good, I wouldn't see it as such.

Can you share the rest of your chapter titles?

1. Predicament: Donetta Jean Jones

2. Perspective: Honey Let Me Tell Ya

3. Power: I Got a Rock (Which tells us what the Bible says about us.)

4. Prayer: Present In His Presence

5. People: We're In This Together

6. Patience: Locust Lunch

7. Plan: Jesus In the Rearview Mirror

8. Pardon: The Healing Power of Forgiveness

9. Provision: Jettisoning Emotional Baggage

10. Priorities: Making the Main Thing the Main Thing

11. Passion: Warts and All

12. Purpose: The Real Thing

Epilogue -- Praise: Chocolate Chip Muffins

This book can serve as a workbook for the reader as well, right?

Yes, at the end of each chapter, I've included an exercise titled, "Truster Reconstructer" to help the reader pause, ponder and personalize each step. I told you I like alliteration! If you complete the exercises in this book you will have the equivalent of 12 sessions of therapy. At the national average of $80.00 an hour, the price of one book is quite a deal! But don't stop with just one book, 12 Ways works as a powerful small group study. Each chapter presents an obstacle to faith and the scriptural solutions for that obstacle. Women have shared with me they feel like it is equivalent to 12 weeks of applicable Bible study.

In your chapter on People, you mentioned the importance of confidence only you didn't call it self-esteem. you called it "Jesus-teem." What does that look like?

We have heard enough over the past few years about self-esteem, but Scripture tells us that when we embrace the Lord's view of ourselves, we're free to be comfortable in our own skin. God's view of us is revealed in his Word and through the compliments of others. In Chapter 3 about the Power we find in the Bible, I have included a page full of verses with the personal pronouns left out and a blank space provided for you to write in your name. That way you can take ownership of each verse, let it soak into your soul, and change the way you feel about yourself. When we can fully get our heads around how God feels aobut us, it changes the way we feel about ourselves. that's Jesus-teem!

You mentioned compliments defining us. Can you explain that?

My old pastor used to say that compliments are bouquets thrown from the hand of God. When we don't take the compliments given to us, it's as though we are ripping the heads off the flowers God has given us, throwing them to the ground, and stomping on them. Compliments are God's way of telling us who we are. When we receive them, it builds our confidence in the qualities and gifts He's given us. But when we don't, we remain static and self-critical.

I took those words to heart and stopped dismissing compliments some twenty years ago. In that time God has had the opportunity to remake my self-image. Before that I had to climb a ladder to look an ant in the eye!

"Jesus in the Rearview Mirror," now there's a title. Tell us about that chapter.

God has a plan for us, but many times the view we have of what is happening around us as we cruise through life is often challenging, even frightening. From our viewpoint, looking through the windshield, we only see calamity, but all the while God is working. Later, when we look back over our lives, as we peer into the rearview mirror, we are able to see the Plan that God was working out all along. Recognizing God's plan builds our faith.

In your chapter on Pardon you share about the healing power of forgiveness. It's not always easy to forgive someone who has caused us pain. Was that difficult for you?

It was one of the hardest things I had to do. That's why I walk through the process with you. We learn that forgiveness doesn't make the offender right; it just makes us free. We also see that forgive and forget is not a biblical concept. Instead it's forgive and set boundaries.

Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is ourselves, and many times we find that we have to forgive God because He didn't do things the way we thought He should.

You present a powerful prayer exercise to help people unpack their emotional baggage in the chapter on Provision. What can you tell us about that?

Years ago a wonderful Christian counselor taught me this life-changing prayer exercise to help me dump the anger, hurt and resentment of my abuse. Until that point, I thought I would have to bear the burden of my painful childhood forever. But I walked out of her office that day a new person. I have had the privilege of sharing this gift many times in my office and now, I am sharing it for all to read. It's enough that abuse victims have experienced pain, we don't have to keep reliving it. We can be set free, thank God!

You tell Donetta's story of healing and your own story in a way that keeps us turning the pages to see what's going to happen next. Have you always been a storyteller?

I've always loved stories especially ones I can relate to. I recently published two stories in Chicken Soup for the Chocolate Lover's Soul and one in Chicken Soup for the Tea Lover's Soul and now What I Learned from My Dog, due out in October 2009. I believe everybody has a story - a string of stories that make up life. In fact one of the the steps in my book to turn pain into praise is to write down those moments in your life when God shows up - the stories of his faithfulness. I call them "Monumental Moments." After writing down my monumental moments for years, I filled a book with stories that was recently published by Warner Press.

My book of stories, Better Than Jewels: 31 Days of Biblical Insight for a Woman Seeking God is a devotional that starts each day with a scripture from Proverbs and a short relevant story to illustrate that verse. In it, I share more of how God miraculously intervened in my life to turn Tennessee trailer trash into a fully loved follower of Christ! It's currently available thourgh Barnes & Noble, Amazon.com or on my website LindaNewtonSpeaks.com.

The pain in your life hasn't hindered your sense of humor, has it?

I hope not! My goal for all the books I write is for the reader to laugh, learn, and leave each page feeling closer to the Lord.

Are you working on another book?

Yes, My working title is You Can Fix Stupid: Seven Savvy Choices for Mind, Body and Soul. I deal with people everyday who are in terrible situations that were preventable. I want to give folks information to make better choices and avoid being "stupid." I am working on a blog on my website that addresses these issues.

What else is on your agenda?

I love speaking and since my books have come out, God has opened doors for me to share with groups all over the world. Folks in today's busy culture like to have teaching material accessible to play in their cars or on their computers. So I am making CD sets available for each of my retreat topics. Each set has 4, forty-minute talks in a handy labeled holder. They are available on my website LindaNewtonSpeaks.com.

Joy for the Journey: Peace for Your Path reviews some of the topics in 12 Ways to Turn your Pain Praise.

He Delights in You: Rest in His Love helps the listener make the 12-inch drop from the head to the heart to truly understand how crazy God is about His kids - namely the one sitting in your seat!

Communication Drive: The Road to Caring Communication is a series prsented at a communication workshop that teaches you how to "talk with the hand" not talk to the hand as often happens when we find ourselve in conflict!

Stress Management for the New Millenium: What to Do When Your Reality Check Bounces to offer tools to help the listener deal with the anxiety, anger and depression that modern culture manufactures. I've recently finished a series on how to get the most out of your prayer life. Women's retreats are my passion and I would love to speak at yours. You can contact me on my website.

Is there anything else you would like to tell us about your book?

Since the book's release last fall I have heard feedback from readers and I can say with confidence that whether you are seeking tools to empower those you are helping or needing the tools to transform yourself, you will walk away from this book spiritually stronger as you learn to :

*remove your offender's face from God and stop blaming Him for life's pain

*stop renting space in your head to bad memories and offenses

*relinquish the stinkin' thinkin' that causes you to emotionally circle the drain

*stay constantly connected to Christ with time-tested tools to process the pain

*realize your full potential as you seek God's divine purpose for your life.

Closing: Thanks so much for having me on your blog. I hope your readers will visit me online at http://www.lindanewtonspeaks.com/ . Please remember that God deeply desires to turn your pain into praise.

Blog Tour and Book Give-Away

2009-07-17T22:02:00.002-04:00

On Sunday, I will be posting an interview with Linda Newton, author of the book entitled 12 WAYS TO TURN YOUR PAIN INTO PRAISE: BIBLICAL STEPS TO WHOLENESS IN CHRIST.

Please stop by to read this interview, and post a comment. Your comment will then be placed in a drawing for a FREE copy of Linda's book. The book is amazing, in my humble opnion!

The Perfect Fan - Backstreet Boys (with lyrics)

2009-07-15T15:43:00.001-04:00

I remember when TP used to sing this to me.

I will always be there for you, babe - I am your biggest fan!

This still brings tears to my eyes!!

I love you, sweetie! And I miss you more and more each day.

Phil Collins - You'll Be In My Heart Lyrics

2009-07-09T22:17:00.001-04:00

Dedicated to TP

Just know you will be in my heart always, no matter what.

I'm keeping you close in my prayers, and pray for your courage and strength.

With love and tenderness - Momma

Miracle

2009-07-07T14:09:00.002-04:00

I'm praying for a miracle. Won't you help me, please? I would truly appreciate it! Thank you!

Recuperating

2009-07-02T12:22:00.002-04:00

My doctor has me on an antibiotic and Allbuterol for a sinus infection and a lung infection which is close to becoming pneumonia. So, I'm exhausted. If I'm not better by Monday, I get to go on steroids. This morning, I expanded my business by moving into the adjoining office space next door to the current office space - and I probably did too much because I'm back home in bed. Nice day to take a nap - although DQ has lessons and work this afternoon, so I'll be busy transporting her hither and yon. Can't wait for that girl to get her license.

The last monthly edition of CWO came out yesterday - Darlene decided to "retire" after three and a half years of publishing this wonderful Christian woman's ministry online. It was time for me to break away from writing my column, too, so my decision happened to coincide with hers. However, she will keep the ezine up so people can go back and browse through the archives.

It's been nice not writing often. Too much going on in my life about which I don't want to share. Eventually, when I am feeling less vulnerable, when I'm stronger, I may write again. Suffice it to say that God's grace is helping me through and I am ever so grateful for His comfort and strength and guidance. I'm busy, too, with my little family and with my expanding business and a couple of other projects in the works. Those things keep me focused and less likely to dwell on who's missing in my life. TP and I are leading separate lives, but we remain in contact. There is still a huge hole in my heart, and I miss her so much it hurts.

Looking forward to the 4th with our usual family traditions - cookout, outdoor symphony concert at OWU (free!), and fireworks. Traditions keep memories alive and famiies together. Forever. Wishing you and yours a Happy 4th of July!

Bucket of Parts--the transplant blog: My Family Onscreen

2009-06-26T23:39:00.001-04:00

Bucket of Parts--the transplant blog: My Family Onscreen

Please go and read my friend's blog entry. Emily's story is a very unique one, and I have long admired her courage and strength and grace throughout her illness.

She has written a moving review of the new movie which is out, "My Sister's Keeper," which is a movie which DQ wants to take me to. I am wondering if there will be similarities or parallels to our family life with the family which is featured in this movie. Emily found several instances where it reminded her of her own situation.

I will write my own review after we see the movie. I am curious to see how DQ reacts to it all. And, I'd really like to go see it with TP sometime as it will bring back many memories, I am sure. Out of pain, comes strength - and that is so true of TP.

Something to Ponder

2009-06-24T08:03:00.003-04:00

Deb, my friend "Ukok" from overseas, left a comment on my post about my decision to discontinue writing. I visited her blog, and lo and behold, I saw this quote on her sidebar from Henri Nouwen:

Writing can be a true spiritual discipline. Writing can help us to concentrate, to get in touch with the deepers stirrings of our hearts, to clarify our minds, to process confusing emotions, to reflect on our experiences, to give artistic expression to what we are living, and to store significant events in our memories. Writing can also be good for others who might read what we write. Quite often a difficult, painful, or frustrating day can be "redeemed" by writing about it. By writing we can claim what what we have lived and thus integrate it more fully into our journeys. Then writing can become lifesaving for us and sometimes for others too."

What Henri wrote explains perfectly why I've always loved to write. My undergrad degree is in English. It's been a part of my life since I started writing short stories in 3rd grade and since I started keeping a journal when I was 14 after my mom died. This quote has given me something new to ponder since my decision to take a break from this blog. I'm not sure it means that I will come back to writing during the summer, but I am sure it means I haven't given up writing all together (which is where I believe I have been heading). So, thanks, Deb, for pointing me back into my world of words, which has been a love of mine for a long time.

Please visit Deb's website at http://catholicconvert.wordpress.com . She's a wonderful writer and artist, and I'm blessed to call her a friend.

Happy Birthday to My Husband

2009-06-24T07:56:00.002-04:00

Today is my husband's birthday. It's difficult to imagine life without him because he's been in my life for over 35 years. He's been a source of strength, comfort, protection, love, and sometimes irritation (hah - I couldn't let this be all mushy!) I hope he's around for another 30 or 40 years, so that we can grow old together and enjoy the fruits of our labor. I pray that God continues to bless this godly man with health and stamina and the grace to continue to guide our family for many years to come.

I love you, babe. Thanks for being you. Thanks for being mine. And thanks for being our kid's dad.

Update

2009-06-23T17:21:00.003-04:00

It's official. I've decided to retire this blog at least until this fall. There are many things on my plate right now - things which I have shared with no one - and I need my privacy during this time. Eventually, when the time is right, I will be able to share all that has happened and transpired in my personal as well as my professional life. In the meantime, you can be assured of my prayers for you, and I ask that you keep me in your prayers.

So, please have a restful summer. You can check back every now and then to see if a quick update has been posted, but don't be surprised if there is nothing on here. My words are failing me right now, it is time to rest.

God bless.

Decision to Make

2009-06-15T23:35:00.002-04:00

I am seriously considering shutting down this blog.

It has chronicled my life as a mom for the past 4 years.

Through it all, I have loved being my kids' mom.

But it's too difficult to continue writing right now.

I will make my decision over the next few days.

Love to you all.

Valerie

Belonging

2009-06-14T09:01:00.003-04:00

"And it came to me, and I knew what I had to have before my soul would rest.

I wanted to belong - to belong to my mother.

And in return - I wanted my mother to belong to me."

~Gloria Vanderbilt

Reflections

2009-06-07T13:57:00.004-04:00

DQ is leaving in just a little while to spend a week on the ocean in a beachfront house. That would be my ideal vacation. She is excited about this adventure, as this will be her first time away with just friends - no parents! And, because of the group of young ladies she is going with, I have trust in her that all will be well, and the decisions she makes will be good ones. When she comes back, it will be time to take driver's ed (she's postponed it for a couple of years), and working to get money together for school and gas for the nice car which has been waiting patiently for her in the driveway. The open house we had last week for her was so much fun, and the monetary gifts she received have really helped her savings account for college expenses! Anyway, I can't wait to hear all about her experiences with her friends at the beach house.

So, this week shall be a quiet one for me. But, I have so much to keep me busy - and I'm rather looking forward to a quiet house. It will give me time to think, to pray, to mourn and heal some more. I am still missing TP so much. I think of her several times during the day, and say prayers for her often. I wish there were ways in which I could help her, but I know there are none, not until she is willing to accept my help. She is under a lot of stress right now, and my heart goes out to her. While we have come to the conclusion to agree to disagree about what she is doing with her life, I am worried that this is going to be how she spends the rest of her life and how it will affect her and her baby - in poverty, under a lot of stress, no emotional or financial support where she's living at, no opportunities to make a better life for her or her child, and being being blinded by the lies and broken promises she continues to hold onto. Oh babe, I want so much more for you out of life! All you have to do is reach out and grab onto the lifeline we've offered - but we know you aren't ready for that yet. We are patient. We will wait. We will pray that someday you will come back to us and to the Lord.

I am reminded today of how precious life is, and to spend all the time you can with your family members who love and support you, no matter what, and not waste your time and energy on others who drag you down or who are like poison to you. A childhood friend's husband died suddenly yesterday - she had just retired (early) and they were going to move back home to TC and live in her parents house on top of the hill with the gorgeous view of the bay - and now he is gone. They worked so hard towards their retirement and were so excited about moving back to TC. In fact, some of their stuff has already been moved into the home in which they were planning to live. Another friend is facing a mastectomy today (stage 4 cancer). Her daughter is DQ's age, and they are close friends. Pam is a wonderful woman who's first thought is to help out others - and now she is the one on the receiving end. She's a tough yet gentle lady - and I can't imagine what this is doing to her family. She wrote on DQ's graduation card what a privilege it was to watch her and her daughter grow up into fine young women together, and she was looking forward to watching them succeed in life in the upcoming years. She has a positive, yet realistic outlook, and is treasuring each and every moment life offers her. I admire her courage and love her dearly. May both of my friends be comforted by God's presence in their pain, and may they stay safe in His graces.

A Father's LOve

2009-06-03T12:27:00.002-04:00

Please visit the Christian Women Online ezine to read all of the wonderful Father's Day articles. My article can be found at http://www.christianwomenonline.net/issue/2009/06/a-fathers-love .

This was written with my husband in mind, as it exemplifies the love he has shown throughout the years towards our children.

It's a little bit early, but Happy FAther's Day, Cam! I love you! I know how painful this past year has been on you, too, but you still have exemplified unconditional love and forgiveness and patience throughout it all.

Congratulations, DQ!

2009-06-01T21:17:00.002-04:00

Saturday was picture-perfect. The weather was gorgeous. The graduate looked regal and beautiful in her gold cap and gown. The ceremony was dignified and yet joyous - giving such meaning to and pride in the graduation of DQ. When she got back to her chair after getting her diploma, the sweet and pretty smile on her face said it all - I did it, Mom. Then, she shook her head when she saw my tears. I warned her I would cry, and I held true to my word. She knew they were bittersweet tears of joy and sadness, and she understood the significance behind them.

We took pictures afterwards in front of the podium - one of them will be selected for our family picture to be sent out in the Christmas card this year. Her godfather did the honors of picture-taking, and you could see the pride in his eyes when we took a picture of him with his "favorite" godchild, whom he has so lovingly helped to raise in our faith. The afternoon/early evening was spent going to open houses . And then, her senior party was from 10:30 p.m. to 2:00 a.m. at a place about a half an hours' drive from here. Believe me, I had so much fun driving down the road at that time of morning!

Sunday was an extremely busy day, trying to get everything done for DQ's open house. And when the guests arrived, it was worth all the work and the time and the effort. DQ did a lot of the food preparation, and everyone remarked on what a great chef she is! It was good to see so many people come out to help her celebrate the monumental occasion. She had so much fun, and I delighted in watching her play the hostess role. Sadly, her sister wasn't there - and people asked about TP and said that they missed her smiling face and presence. We did, too. I pray she doesn't come to regret all of these family functions she has missed over the past year - not being part of the fabric which holds and binds a family together.

So, now I can breathe a huge sigh of relief. Today, I had 10 appointments at work, and the same holds true for tomorrow. I am exhausted, so I can't wait for Wednesday, when I can sleep in a little and have my massage in the morning.

I'm looking forward to the summer. I have lots of different projects to keep me busy. I don't want to spend any more time mourning and being depressed - I just can't do that to myself anymore. I have to find my joy within the relationships where I am treasured as well. I have to stop yearning for something/someone which I can never have again. I can only pray that someday, my family will be complete again.

Anyway, congratulations, DQ! We are SO proud of you! Just think, in four short years, you'll be graduating from college! God bless you, sweetie. I love you!

To My Mom on Her Birthday

2009-05-29T13:34:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, my mom would have turned 97 years old. I was an "oops" baby - but very loved and wanted. She died when I was fourteen, and to this day, I miss her incredibly. This song exmplifies her faith in God, and I know that she is, indeed, His. I look forward to the day when I see her again.

It's these family celebrations - like DQ's graduation tomorrow - when I miss her most. When somebody is missing from a celebration, there is a big hole in the family event. The physical presence is gone, and it hurts. At least I know with my mom, she would be here if she could, so she is here in spirit. TP hasn't been here for Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Easter, and now graduation. I am so saddened and upset by this. My little family has been broken apart in many different ways. It woudl sadden my mother to know this because she knows how much I have loved being a mom.

Mom - I miss you. I wish you could have been there to see me get married, to appprove of my husband, to watch me graduate from college, and to meet my daughters. You would have been so proud of me - and I long to hear you say those words to me to this very day. To all of you out there with moms still living - honor her. Treasure her. Cherish her. Obey her. You don't know what a gift you have until it is gone.

I love you, Mom.

The Graduate

2009-05-26T10:51:00.002-04:00

She stole my heart from the very first time I laid my eyes on her. An itty-bitty thing, her black curly hair, warm and curious eyes, and toothpick-sized fingers were all conduits of casting her magical spell on me. As she passed through her infancy and toddlerhood, I could tell there was something special about this child. She was very observant, curious, and asked a million questions along the way. She started reading on her own when she was four, but unbeknownst to me she knew how to read even before then, she just never told me because she thought it would mean the end of our snuggling and reading time together. As she went into gradeschool, it becamse even more obvious that she was very gifted in intelligence and music. She had some very negative experiences for almost two years in a junior high school, and she still bears the scars of bullying and harrassment. When her older sister became ill, she suffered in silence as her fears for her sister's survival remained in her heart, and she felt a loss of my presence in her life as I attended to TP's needs. But her high school experiences have all but healed the other times, and she has made some tremendous friends and has felt a sense of belonging within her group. We have grown closer over the past year, too. She is a creative thinker, a talented writer, and a gifted musician. Her sense of humor is very dry. Her vocabulary surpasses mine - at the age of 6 or 7, she was thinking out loud, and then she asked me if what she said was an example of an idiom! I had to dig deep into my mind for the definition of an idiom to determine if, indeed, what she said was truly an example. She is a kind and loving soul to her family, her friends, and the animal kingdom. She has been hurt deeply numerous times, and this has affected her in profound ways. She is very protective of me, and will stand in my defense if others try to harm me.

She graduates Saturday morning, and the open house will be Sunday afternoon. She will be going to the local branch of OSU in the fall -she did receive a scholarship from there - and is working this summer to save up money to help with expenses.

I am proud of her. Despite the many obstacles put in front of her, they have helped to shape her into a remarkable young woman. While I say goodbye to her childhood, I say hello to the next stage of her life and embrace it wholeheartedly. It's a bittersweet feeling to let go, but I know God will hold on to her as she ventures into the world. And God will bless her abundantly with His graces as she follows the path He has chosen for her. I love you, DQ.

Tenderly – A Poem to My Oldest

2009-05-25T07:31:00.002-04:00

Tenderly, tenderly, I picked you up

And held you close to my heart.

Your tiny perfect body was all curled up next to me

As our hearts intertwined, never to be pulled apart.

Tenderly, tenderly, I held you close

As you lay unconscious in my arms

Your tiny body was limp and motionless

And I prayed to God to save you from harm.

Tenderly, tenderly, I read you stories

Of princesses and pioneers and God's love.

You snuggled under my arm and breathed softly

As your imagination captured the images from above.

Tenderly, tenderly, we said prayers every night,

And thanked God for the blessing of you;

We knew our time together would be brief,

So we planted the seeds of faith and hope and love, too.

Tenderly, tenderly, I planned special events

From birthdays to holidays and graduation;

Always taking such love and care to show

That you were such a gift and not an obligation.

Tenderly, tenderly, I wiped your brow

Each time you became ill;

I prayed for your return to health

And a miracle did God surely fulfill.

Tenderly, tenderly, I have cried each night

As I long for your sweet embrace;

I miss you and I love you forevermore

And I can't wait to see your beautiful face.

Tenderly, tenderly, I have prayed

That someday you will return

To your home and your family and to your Lord

Who waits with a love which yearns.

To my daughter, "TP"

Drawing to a Close

2009-05-21T08:24:00.003-04:00

DQ's high school days are rapidly drawing to a close. Even though she still has a total of five more days of school, today was the last day of wearing her school uniform. Now, I definitely am NOT going to miss ironing those things and the white shirts which go along with them - but it tugged at my heartstrings as I watched her walk down the stairs today and thinking about all the other days, since kindergarten, she walked down those same stairs in uniform ready for another day school. Lots of memories came flooding back! And, as always, she didn't want me to take her picture.

The band concert on Tuesday was beautiful. They all looked so professional with the white shirts and black skirts/pants - and they sounded wonderful. It was the last official "performance" that I will ever attend (as a mom), and again, my eyes as a mother got all teary-eyed as I recalled performances of the past - which began 18 years ago when TP was in preschool. The very first performance I went to was a little recital done by TP's preschool class, and TP just loved singing with her classmates. She was keeping rythym to the music, and all of the sudden, decided to lift up her red dress and show off her belly button! It was hilarious - and so cute - she had no idea what she was doing. And all of the other performances came to mind - piano, Christmas plays, Brownie Scout activities (I was the leader for 6 years), dance recitals, violin recitals, band, cheerleading, plays. . . But, these memories of a mother's heart are what keeps me grateful for being my kids' mom. Even during the difficult times, and through the joyful celebrations, I will ALWAYS feel blessed to have been the mother of my two precious girls. I know there will be more precious memories coming ahead in the future, just of a different nature.

This weekend promises to a busy one, in preparation for DQ's graduation on the 30th. Her open house is the 31st. Then, on June 8th, she is going to North Carolina for a week with her best friends and stay at a beach house. When she gets back, she will need to work hard to save up money for college, which begins in September. She's going to our local branch of OSU, and will be studying English/Secondary Education. Once she is done with her Bachelor's, she is going to teach for awhile while pursuing her Master's Degree in Creative Writing and Renassaince Studies. Eventually, she wants to get her Ph.D. - but in the meantime, she will be working on her first book. She will go far in life - she has the motivation and the talent and discipline to stay on course to pursue her dream. (BTW - the work on my book has finally begun.)

As always, I am missing TP. I pray for her everday - her health and safety and emotional well-being are my top concerns right now, as they have always been. I have been reading about St. Monica lately, and thinking of the words which were spoken to her by a bishop in reference to her prodigal son, "it is not possible that the son of so many tears should perish." I am praying for guidance and wisdom and forgiveness and compassion. But the love remains forever. I will always be her "momma", her adoptive mother, and her spiritual mother. Those bonds will never be broken.

So, I am off to TRY to do as much as possible today. Unfortunately, I have a very bad cold which is really making me feel ill (don't think it's the swine flu!), so I may not get done as much as I'd like to. It's a gorgeous May day out there -so perhaps the outside windows will get washed today!

Thank you, dear Lord, for all that you have given to me.

She walked away - Barlow Girl

2009-05-14T18:16:00.001-04:00

I pray that this story has a happy ending, and that she returns home to us and to the Lord.

We'd promise anything, if You would just bring her home.

Tell her we love her, tell her she is wanted, tell her to please come home, tell her she is missed so much.

We can work it out.

Fibromyalgia Awareness Day is Today

2009-05-12T19:57:00.004-04:00

"The National Fibromyalgia Association's Theme for the 2009 National Fibromyalgia Awareness Day campaign is 'Fibromyalgia Affects Everyone' and will focus on the far-reaching effects of this disorder - from broken lives to the economic costs to patients and society." quote from http://www.fmaware.org/site/PageServer The above poster is from the same website.

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia over 10 years ago. Thanks to (almost) daily exercise, massage therapy, eating healthy, and using appropriate medication on an as needed basis, I am still able to function most days of the month. I do get flares, and on those days, I sometimes have to "take it easy". But, for the most part, I work through the pain and keep on going. My doctor told me 10 years ago that if I didn't have this kind of approach and learn how to take care of myself better, then I could possibly end up in a wheelchair in a few years.

It has taken its' toll on my in some ways, but I try to not focus on my limitations. Rather, I count my blessings and try not complain when I'm feeling horrible. Most people wouldn't even know that I have this syndrome, which can be a good thing and it can be a bad thing. The comment "but you look so healthy" can be a compliment, but it can also discount the pain that I am in. Nonetheless, I have learned how to adapt, how to live with this on a daily basis, and how to help others cope with it who come to me for help in my private practice.

So, take a moment and educate yourself on this disorder (it's not considered a "disease") by visiting the website. It's full of useful information for everybody.

Celine Dion A mother's prayer

2009-05-09T21:42:00.001-04:00

I pray you'll be my eyes
And watch her where she goes
And help her to be wise
Help me to let go

Every mother's prayer
Every child knows
Lead her to a place
Guide her with your grace
To a place where she'll be safe

I pray she finds your light
And holds it in her heart
As darkness falls each night
Remind her where you are

Every mother's prayer
Every child knows
Need to find a place
Guide her with your grace
Give her faith so she'll be safe

Lead her to a place
Guide her with your grace
To a place where she'll be safe

(Thanks to Diane for reminding me of this song and posting it on her blog first!)

This song is dedicated to both of my daughters on this Mother's Day. I love you!!!

21 years ago today

2009-05-08T18:37:00.002-04:00

My father died twenty-one years ago today. I remember vividly the phone call I received announcing his passing. I was holding TP in my arms in the kitchen, and I looked out the back door as I heard the soft voice say "Dad died just a few minutes ago." I put the phone down, lifted TP up, and pointed her out the door window towards the western sky where the sun was just beginning its' descent for the evening. It was a gorgeous sight, the twilight, and I said out loud "Hey, Dad - here's your littlest munchkin - you would have loved her a lot." As God takes one soul to heaven, another one is sent to earth - and that is how my Dad and TP met, that one beautiful spring evening so long ago.

I miss him, I wish he was still here, ready to sing his song to me. It is such a difficult time right now for me, and I sure could use his big bear hug to comfort me.

God bless you, Dad. Please say a few prayers for me, ok?

I will risk losing your love to save your soul

2009-05-08T16:03:00.005-04:00

I tried to re-post this from a year ago, but wasn't able to. So, PLEASE take a moment to find my entry from Saturday, May 31, 2008, entitled "I Will Risk Losing Your Love to Save Your Soul." It should be at the very top of the May 2008 archives.

Thank you. And please pray for a miracle. I sure could use one seeing how Mother's Day and my birthday fall on the same day this year!

With Quiet Courage - Larry Daehn

2009-05-06T09:09:00.001-04:00

I went to DQ's band concert last night, and this is one of the pieces which they played (this isn't their band playing it - of course, her band played it much better!). Anyway, it was composed by a man named Larry Daehn who had compsed it for his mother. I didn't realize that I was listening to it, but I found it to be very comforting and soothing to my soul. It broght tears to my eyes. And DQ's smile at me after the piece was done said it all.

CWO Mother's Day Article

2009-05-05T13:59:00.002-04:00

Please visit CWO for their special Mother's Day edition. My article can be found at http://www.christianwomenonline.net/issue/category/chosen . It's an article I wrote to all of the birth mothers out there, but especially to my daughters' birth moms. I'm grateful to them each and every day for their ultimate sacrifice and gift of life!

In the meantime, I had a nightmare last night about TP. Just horrible - and I woke up sobbing and ready to throw up. I had prayed before falling asleep and asked God to send me a dream letting me know that TP was doing all right. A mother's intuition tells me that something is horribly wrong with TP. Just pray that she is healthy and safe, and pray for my peace of mind. Thank you.

Quiet Time

2009-05-04T07:11:00.004-04:00

Monday morning.

All is quiet here at 7:15 a.m., and I need to get moving in about 15 minutes. I have 10 clients to see today, so I need this "quiet time" to get focused on the day ahead. I am enjoying listening to the outdoor sounds as I think of each person I am going to encounter today at their session, and praying that I meet their needs for counsel and support and guidance and healing. I am humbled by my vocation, and am grateful that it was chosen for me by God.

I am also pondering what the new week will bring. I know I mentioned yesterday that it will be a busy one. But I wonder about so many things - will my family stay safe and healthy, will my youngest relish her last days of school and yet stay focused on her grades, will my oldest remember all the promises she made to us which have been broken and decide to keep them or rectify them because that is what she has always been taught to do, will I be able to find the right person to help at my office (I had so wanted TP to have that job), will I find the strength to continue letting go and letting God, and will I begin to feel better physically as this stress has really taken its' toll on my body? I pray that I follow God's will in my life this week, and not my own. And I pray for peace and comfort and strength so I can meet my family's and my clients' needs.

Five more minutes of silence before I hit the ground running. . .

"I am listening, Lord. I have finally banished all distractions and unwanted images. I have finally stopped fidgeting and wriggling, both symptoms of struggle. I am no longer staring at book titles or smears on window panes. Nor am I wrapped up in the torrents of words which too often consume my time with you - those lists of people whom I want to remember, things for which I am grateful, petitions for the suffering world. I am still, within and without.
"In this silence, in this stillness, I wait to hear your voice, Lord. I have told you so often about my desire to serve. I have offered you my gifts, time and time again, hoping you find them acceptable. I want to be commissioned for some glorious task, to pour myself out that others may come and find you. But it is always the same: the only words I hear are softer than the beat of my heart. "You are the gift," you say. "I want your love - nothing more." ~ Elizabeth-Anne Vanek

The Beginning of a New Week

2009-05-03T10:04:00.002-04:00

DQ had her prom last night - she looked absolutely gorgeous! I will post pictures as soon as I can. She had a great time. She loves her new job! And she has only 17 more days of school left. Hard to imagine! I have mixed feelings - but I am so excited for her and her future. She has a lot to offer and is VERY focused on what she wants in her life. I'm very, very proud of her.

We found out that my sweet little Bichon, Katy, has the beginning stages of kidney disease/failure - it's called nephritis. We are putting her on a diet and she will have additional blood work done in 3 months to see where she is at. I can't imagine life without my Katy - she is my constant companion who follows me everywhere. But, hopefully, the progression will be slow, and we will have a couple of more years with her yet.

This week promises to be a busy one. Graduation announcements need to be addressed, senior pictures ordered and paid for, the collage of DQ's life put together for her graduation open house, continued work on spring housecleaning, doctors appointments, getting back to exercising, etc. I have decided that I need to get back to the land of the living and not wallow in my sorrow anymore. I shall be a watchwoman, as in the story of the Prodigal Son, waiting patiently and watching out the window for my daughter's return.

I am visiting a friend this week who has cancer - she's a little bit older than myself and has a daughter the same as as DQ. It will be a difficult visit for me, as she needs me to be strong for her - but I am feeling so vulnerable and worn-out right now. Please say some prayers for her, and for me so that I know how to help her with exactly what she needs right now.

A week from today is Mother's Day, and it's also my 39th birthday! LOL! I love it when my birthday and Mother's Day fall on the same day - it just makes that whole day just SO special. Of course, it will be a bittersweet occassion this year, what with TP gone. I shall miss her presence and her hug and her loving words, but I hold the memories so deep in my heart, and they will help me to get through the day. And, DQ has something special planned for me that day, as she realizes I may have some difficulty at times throughout the day. She's so sensitive to my needs and my mood - she's helped me out a lot over the past year. Thanks, sweetie!

I hope all of you have a great week! I may not update much this week because it will be such a busy one, but soon I shall have an exciting announcement to make! THanks for your continued prayers and support - I appreciate it!

First Fridays with Val

2009-05-01T11:10:00.001-04:00

Please take a moment and visit http://prayingforaprodigal.blogspot.com and read my monthly post "First Fridays with Val." You may leave a comment if you wish.

I will be joining Diane and Allison in spreading the word about SANITY, which is based on Allison Bottke's book "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children" by starting up my own support group in the near future in my area, and by providing seminars to professionals based on her book. I'm looking forward to spreading the word AND the healing!!

Today is May Day. What a perfect day to start a NEW chapter in my life. I will be blogging about this new chapter during this month, about the changes I am making both personally and professionally, and I hope that you will provide me with your feedback.

Thank you, God, for all that you have given to me. You have blessed me abundantly!

Three Wishes

2009-04-30T20:28:00.005-04:00

I've always wanted to be present when TP graduated from college, got married, and was pregnant and gave birth (making me a Nana!).

These wishes/dreams/hopes will now never become a reality.

My mom died before she could share those events with me.

I'm alive, but I can't share those events with my daughter through her own choices.

Does she even realize the feelings of loss I am going through? Does she even care?

I love you, babe. I pray for your future - for your safety and health and stability and for the welfare of the baby.

God bless you, TP, and keep you safe within His graces.

Fond and Difficult and Bittersweet Farewells

2009-04-28T17:56:00.008-04:00

My husband's folks leave in the morning. We've had such an enjoyable time with them. They are wonderful people, and great parents and grandparents.

Today was a special day for them, as it was Grandparents' day at DQ's school, so there was a continental breakfast, followed by the jazz and concert band concerts, and then a Mass. Afterwards, they took DQ out to lunch at her *favorite* restaurant, and then took her shopping for a graduation gift. Tonight, we grilled chicken outdoors, and spent the rest of the time talking, laughing, playing cards, and praying. It will be difficult to say farewell tomorrow, as it won't be until September until we see them again.

Tomorrow, I plan to get some paperwork done and phone calls for legal advice. I have to finally clean out the bedroom which housed our eldest daughter and get stuff packed up and placed out in the pole barn so that the room can be painted and used for another guest room/study. I've been thinking about rearranging it a little so that it can be my study - it would be a pretty room in which to do my writing, which is going to be taking up more of my time now. So, it will be another difficult farewell tomorrow, as that bedrooms' purpose ended way to soon, and the many memories within its' four walls still echo and pull on my heartstrings.

Tomorrow, I place down the money for the acceptance fee at OSU for DQ - and she received quite a nice scholarship from them!!!! And even though she has about 5 more weeks before she graduates, I am already in the process of saying farewell to her childhood and hello to her adulthood with such mixed emotions. She's going to go far - with her writing talent and her her desire to make a difference in this world! It is exciting to watch her grow up into such a kind and generous and sensitive young lady who has so much to offer in many different ways.

So, mixed emotions prevail once again. But that is what life is all about. You embrace the sadness with the joys, and somehow you hold your head high and praise God for all that He has given to you.

Happy Birthday, Dad

2009-04-27T21:37:00.003-04:00

On April 29, 1908, my dad was born. He would have been 101 years old this year. He died after he had just barely turned 80, just 1 day shy of my 34th birthday, on May 9, 1988. He's been gone almost 21 years.

Happy Birthday, Daddy. I miss you lots. I wish you would have had the chance to know my girls - you would have loved both of them and spoiled them rotten. It meant the world to me how much you loved my husband - you saw in him all those wonderful qualities which make a decent human being. You saw that he treated me with respect - and you wouldn't have had it any other way. In fact, you wouldn't have let him marry me if there was even an ounce of disrespect evident within him. You saw that he was on his way to being a good provider for me and our future family - and you were proud of his efforts to achieve those goals, and it made you rest easier knowing your baby girl would be well taken care of (not just financially, but emotionally and spiritually as well). You saw the he was kind and tender towards me, and would never harm me physically or with emotionally or verbally. You TRUSTED him to take care of your most precious baby girl. So, when my guy got down on his knees and asked you for your blessing to marry me, there were tears in your eyes when you said "yes" because you knew I had chosen well. You knew that this guy would put me first, no matter what, and that he would never be selfish or cruel or manipulative or threatening. And, you were at peace with our marriage. You said on our wedding day that it was one of the happiest days of your life. You gave us that most wonderful gift of all - your approval and your confidence in our relationship together, which has lasted for almost 34 years.

Thank you, Dad, for all the things you gave to me. And thanks for the sacrifices you made for your family, and for the community as a firefighter. I miss you, I wish you were still here, and I love you. I especially miss that song you used to sing to me which you made up especially for me, and which I sang to my girls right before bedtime "she's my baby, baby girl - I love my baby, baby girl." You sang that to me one last time right before you died, when I was holding my newborn baby in my arms. We wept as you sang it to me and to her, as you and I knew it would be the last time I would hear it coming from your lips. Those words are embedded in my heart and soul, and hopefully, they will remain forever in my kids' memories.

Say "hi" to mom for me! Someday, we shall all be together again.

Sacred Loss

2009-04-27T08:30:00.002-04:00

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power. . . they are the messengers of unspeakable love." ~Washington Irving

Gratitude

2009-04-26T10:10:00.002-04:00

"The pain passes, but the beauty remains." ~Renoir

I'm grateful for the beauty in my life right now - my family, my friends, and my faith in God. The pain will pass, but the others will remain true and constant to me, never letting me down, never abandoning me, and always loving me.

We're having a wonderful time with my husband's parents. DQ made a great dinner, and we went to our favorite home-made ice cream place afterwards. We're doing some landscaping around the house. Danielle is starting her new job today! Afterwards, the "women" are going shopping - DQ needs some accessories for prom and Nana needs to pick up a few things for grandids' birthdays and graduations which are coming up - while the guys play golf. Tonight we'll play cards. This morning was spent on the screened in porch, talking and reminiscing about "old times", sharing memories and hopes for the future.

Thank you, God, for all that you have given to me.

Eventful Week

2009-04-23T22:10:00.002-04:00

Well, it's been an eventful week. I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say I'm exhausted physically, emotionally, spiritually.

Tomorrow, my husband's parents are coming for a 5 day visit, which will be lots of fun. The house isn't quite ready for them, but it looks good enough. DQ is going to be quite the "chef" over the weekend.

My business is booming, thanks to two new associates I hired. Now, I'm looking for a billing clerk/receptionist, and it shouldn't be too hard to find onw.

Please keep my family in your prayers. We shall prevail, but we certainly could use some strength and comfort right now. Thank you.

To My BFF

2009-04-17T19:21:00.001-04:00

This is dedicated to Ruth, my best friend, who died 13 years ago on April 20th. This was her favorite song when we used to "hang out" together in college.

Ruth was such a special lady, warm and loving, sweet and gentle. She was a minister's daughter, and we were total opposites, but we loved each other dearly.

I've never, ever been able to find another "best friend." She's irreplaceable. So, we are indeed, BFF.

Ruth - thank you for all that you brought to my life. I miss you, and I look forward to the day when we meet again, in heaven. I love you!

Spring Break Continues

2009-04-14T23:17:00.002-04:00

Today was spent working on paperwork (ugh), and writing my CWO column for May (fun). DQ is helping me with spring housecleaning this week, and today her chore was to clean out the china cabinet. This evening, I went to Eucharistic Adoration - what a beautiful hour it was, spent in the quiet church which smelled heavenly from all of the Easter flowers. My prayers were simple ones, and as always, asking for God's will to be done.

Tomorrow I have oral surgery at 10:00, where the doctor is removing a melanotic patch from the roof of my mouth. A biopsy needs to be done, and I won't get the results for a week (I detest waiting). He's virtually assured me it's not cancerous - but I still get a little anxious with this kind of thing. After that, I have another doctor's appointment to make sure my meds are doing what they're supposed to be doing. And then - it's off to the mall to do some prom-dress shopping! DQ already has the dress chosen off the website - now, let's just hope it's in the store. Then, we are going to the bookstore and to Home Depot and a couple of other places before going out to dinner. I want to go to Red Robin, but we may end up at COSI (I've never been there, so I don't have a clue as to what their food is like). Hopefully, the roof of my mouth won't be too tender from the surgery, or we may end up at Dairy Queen where I can just have a malt!

Then, Thursday and Friday will be spent on spring housecleaning. We're preparing for my husband's parents visit here in 10 days, plus DQ's graduation in about 6 weeks - so there is quite a bit to do around here. I sure could use an extra pair of hands!

The good news is that my husband still has his job - we breathed a huge sigh of relief after receiving word from his boss. This economy is so shaky. I can honestly say that my business is still doing well, and I pray for its' continued stability.

So, I'm off to bed. I may not write for awhile as I'll be quite busy for the next week or so - but I'll try to post a picture of DQ's prom dress when I can. God bless!

A year ago. . .

2009-04-13T23:25:00.002-04:00

A year ago, TP moved out. To this day, I still can't believe it. This year has had its' ups and down. And I still miss her so incredibly much.

She has chosen a difficult path.

She knows we will welcome her back home, with open arms and a loving embrace.

She knows I still cry for her every night, and I still keep her in my prayers.

I light a candle for her twice a week at church, for her to find her way home.

This is the last post about TP until she comes home again. I just can't bear to write anymore about how she has been torn from my life.

TP - I love you. I miss you. You will always be my daughter, no matter what; and I will always be your momma.

I'll be waiting for your phone call. . . or for you to magically appear at my door someday. . .

Until we meet again, babe.

Happy Easter!

2009-04-12T08:07:00.003-04:00

A joyous and blessed Easter to you and yours.

Our plans are quite simple. Mass at 11:00 at DQ'S godfather's church (he's a priest), and then out to brunch with him and his family. There will be an empty chair for the first time this Easter, a visible reminder of TP's absence. I miss her so much, and I pray for her health and safety and her ultimate return home to us and to her Lord. I hope all of you have a special time with your families! God bless!

Spring Break

2009-04-10T23:44:00.002-04:00

Today was our first day of spring break. DQ slept in while I ran some errands, then we had to go to Westerville for a doctor's appointment, then back home to go to the 3:00 service for Good Friday. Tonight, my hubby and I relaxed - the house was quiet and peaceful with just the 5 of us - the two humans and the 3 bichons! DQ went out to dinner and a movie with a friend.

The good news is that DQ got a job as a server at a Christian assisted living facility! She's very excited about it, and it's in a great environment. The next few weeks will be busy for us as we prepare for the many events which will lead up to her graduation. Next week, we are taking a day to go prom-dress shopping - making a full day of it with shopping and lunch. Fun! It's kind of bittersweet as this will be the last time I get to do this with my girls, but they are moving into different stages of their lives. Then, in 2 weeks, Nana and Papa will be here for five days, and will go to Grandparent's Day at DQ's school. Of course, there will be plenty of golfing, eating, shopping, and playing cards. We love it when they come to visit us! After that, DQ will be involved with the play at school, and we have to get out her invitations to the open house after her graduation. She graduates on May 30th, so I have to hustle and get her pictures together for her display table, and get the house totally cleaned from top to bottom! Overall, she's doing VERY well - she's happy, healthy, and can't wait to get to college!

I'm expanding my private practice - it won't be "private" anymore. I am adding two contract people to help with my caseload - I have people virtually on waiting lists right now, or I have to send them elsewhere for treatment, and I don't like to do that. I have built up a strong and excellent reputation in my community over the past 20 years - and I didn't want to jeapordize that by turning people away, so thus the decision to expand. I am going to have an "open house" in May, where I introduce my new employees to the professional community and the community at large. I was going to hire TP as my receptionist, but unfortunately, she is no longer interested in that position due to her decision to stay in Michigan. So, I plan to talk to a couple of people tomorrow and then make a decision of who to hire by next week.

I was going to rearrange the basement into a small apartment for TP, but I won't be needing to do that anymore. Instead, I think I shall get rid of the old furniture down there, and decide if we want to put a pool table down there, or make it into a workroom, or just get some new furniture and keep it as a tv room.

Life goes on. It still has a huge hole in it, but it's time to focus on the good things still left in my life - my husband, my other daughter, my faith, and my vocation. But I still miss TP incredibly. . .

Were you there when they crucified my Lord?

2009-04-10T17:38:00.001-04:00

I am so grateful for the precious gifts of Good Friday.

Today was the day

2009-04-09T15:09:00.002-04:00

Today was the day that you were going to be headed home. Last night was going to be your last night at your job, and you were going to leave the empty promises and the arguing and the drinking and the emotional/verbal abuse and stress behind, and come home where you could live without stress (which is so important for you at this stage of the game). But, somewhere along the line, people gave you advice to "work things out", to give him "one more chance"; or more promises were made and you believed him yet again.

You were shocked when I said that if your dad EVER called me those disgusting and vile names that your boyfirend calls you, that I would be out the front door in a heartbeat, never to return. You said "Even if you LOVED him?" And my reply at that time didn't cover everything I should have said. I replied that I would leave him because I have self-respect for myself and wouldn't stand for somebody to treat me with such contempt and disrespect. What I should have also said is that if anybody treats you like that, calls you names like that, consistently breaks promises and lies to you, constantly threatens to break up if you don't do what he wants you to do - then it is NOT love. It is abuse, it is control, it is manipulation.

Let me ask you this. Has he made you a better person? Are you a better person now than what you were when you first started dating him? Are you still going to church? Do you still have the same values? Do you treat us and your sister with respect and kindness and concern? Are you still unselfish like you used to be? Do you respect yourself? Have you turned your back against all that you were taught? Have you disowned your life and the people in it prior to meeting him (and that includes your very close friends)? Look at the people you hang around with - do they have goals in their lives, are they successful, do they go to church and have activities with their family members which center around their faith, or do they party and smoke and gamble and drink a lot? Do they have meaning in their lives, or are their lives devoid of substance?

You were once a 4.0 student, with a huge scholarship to a top 100 university. You had plans to become a pediatric nurse. You were active at church. You had great friends who supported you and loved you. Your community was there behind you all the way when you were so gravely ill, and they cheered when you went into remission. You were active in many groups and clubs which emphasized scholarly ambition and your faith and your values. What has this person brought into your life? Look at the difference between your life now and your life then. And then ask yourself - "is this the kind of life I want a child to be brought up in? " It would be a life WITHOUT purpose, goals, or a strong church community - and WITH stress and chaos and arguing and not being able to have needs met (physical, spiritual, emotiona, psychological.) You are MY child, and this is not the kind of life I want for you. Of course, it is your decision to make, but what about your future child? Which kind of environment do you want for him or her?

How I wish you were on the road right now - coming back home. We would welcome you with open arms and loving hearts. Tonight, after Holy Thursday services, I will stay for Eucharistic Adoration. I will pray for your safety and for your health. I will pray for your return home to us and to your Lord and to your faith. I will pray that you will find the strength and courage to disengage from the people who are causing you so much harm and who have turned you against us so badly. I will pray that you will break free from the chains which bind you right now. I know it may take months or years for your return. But, during this season of the Easter miracle, I will pray for a miracle that your heart will be softened, and you will accept our invitation to come home, where you will find love and respect and tenderness waiting in abundance for you.

Happy Easter, sweetie! We'll miss you at Mass, we'll miss you at brunch, and I'll miss making up a basket for you this year. But your presence will still be with us in our hearts, as I hope that ours will still be with you. We love you.

Detachment

2009-04-06T22:27:00.002-04:00

Letting go and letting God.

Setting boundaries.

Detachment. This is the key to achieve peace in the midst of pain. Detachment from somebody else's problems is a key tenet in AA. It is written in their literature that "Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's choices can have in our lives." (Thanks to Allison Bottke for this information, which can be found on page 131 of her book "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children").

It's been a long three years, and the last year has been especially difficult. My husband and I decided last week that we needed to "detach" and let our oldest suffer the consequences of her choices. We couldn't force her to accept our help or our love anymore. She is on her own now. We love her unconditionally, and will be here should she ever need us or want us back in her life again. The choice is hers to make - and we will welcome her back with open arms. But we can't have her in our lives as long as her choices cause "collateral damage" to us in the form of manipulation, lies, disrespect, taking advantage of us, causing harm to herself and to others through her behaviors, and staying in a relationship which is harmful to herself on many levels - physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. This harm has caused damage to her self esteem and her self confidence and her ability to assess what is healthy and unhealthy in relationships. This harm has caused her to turn her back on her grandparents, her aunts and uncles and cousins, her family (we as her parents as well her sister), her values, and her faith. It has caused great pain in the lives of those who love her dearly. She has been poisoned against us by many people - people who do not know the whole story or who do not have her best interests at heart or who are selfish and want to control her, and people who don't understand what it's like to almost lose a child to a physical death, and then have to face losing that child yet again but this time to a spiritual and emotional death.

She knows she is loved. She has a good strong foundation to return to. She misses us and loves us. She needs us now more than ever. But she is afraid she is going to lose something which she never had to begin with - the love of the man with whom she desparately loves but who doesn't know how to love her in return in a healthy and selfless way. How can love exist between two people if it is based on fear of losing the other person, if it's based on threats of leaving the other person, if it's based on broken promises and lies, if it's based on degrading comments and rippng the soul out of the other person? How can love exist if there is no genuine respect, if there is no desire to place the other person's needs ahead of your own?

She needs to figure this stuff out on her own. She needs to recognize that she deserves to be loved the way in which God intended her to be loved. She needs to discern what God's will is for her life, and follow His path with her whole heart and soul. She has a choice - she can do that in a safe environment, or she can do it in an environment which is filled with fighting, fear, rage, and abuse.

She rejected the offer of our safe environment. It hurts us to imagine her there in her current environment - stressed out, afraid, angry, upset, threatened, manipulated, controlled, abused - and we can't protect her anymore. Her lupus could flare up at any given moment due to the stress and the condition she is in. We can only pray that she comes to her senses before it is too late. We miss her. Our arms ache for her embrace. When she came home for her birthday, she was so happy to see us. She gobbled up the attention and the love and the food - all with a big smile on her face and with lots of hugs and "I love you's" being said constantly. But, she is a different person when she is "under the influence" of the other environment. It's like she is a stranger. She lashes out at those whom she loves the most - her family and her God. We can love her unconditionally, but we can't accept the way she treats us, and we can't accept the way others are treating her.

So,we have detached. It kills us. But, God is there to help us through - to find the peace in the midst of the pain.

We're here, babe. Watching, waiting, praying for your return. You are still our beautiful daughter who is so precious to us. You deserve to be treated with gentleness and tenderness and respect and dignity. For that is how your father has always treated me - and I want the same for you. And that is how God wants it be for you, too. And so do Nana and Papa and Danielle and BJ and Janet and Grandma Sarah. . . you get the idea.

Someday, I hope to feel that familiar squish-the-life out of me hug of yours. I hope it is someday soon. I'm praying for you, for your health and your safety, and for your strength and determination to get back on the path you have wanted to be on for so long - getting a nursing degree, using your God-given talents rather than letting them go to waste, and making your own decisions based on what you've been taught rather than what others have tried to take away from you. You're a strong-willed young woman - so use that will wisely and for God's glory and for your well-being.

Take care, sweetie. I love you with my whole heart and soul - that will never, ever change. The offer still remains open - with all the "fringe benefits!" God bless you, and keep you safe in his graces.

Celtic Woman - Somewhere

2009-04-04T21:17:00.001-04:00

Someday, somehow, somewhere, my Sara