Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Confusion reigned as I groped for the alarm clock - what day is it, what time is it, surely it couldn't be time to get up already? Once the annoying sound was subdued, I placed my head on my pillow once again, and gazed up at the ceiling as I tried to sort through the fog that seemed to envelope my mind. Slowly, I recalled what day it was. . . and the tears began to slowly fall down my cheeks as I realized that the day I had been dreading for so long had arrived. She was leaving. She was moving away. How was I ever going to get through it - the goodbyes, the pain, the emptiness?

That scene happened almost two years ago when TP moved up to Michigan. I remember it vividly as if it happened yesterday. If I allow myself to dwell on it too long, I can once again feel the anguish I felt that day as I watched her car drive out out of our driveway.

She is safe, back at home with us, working part-time for a homeless agency, and going to nursing school full-time. She is also, most importantly, a mommy to a beautiful one year old little girl. I see her mature before my eyes. I see the bond between her and her daughter grow stronger everyday. Many, many prayers have been answered; many tears have dried; and the scars are healing while the pain subsides. She has been home for over a year now, but every now and then I am reminded of the time we were apart, and it makes me ever so grateful that God was faithful during the depths of my despair and brought me through to the other side, where now there is love and laughter and an impish toddler to fill my days.

Through it all, DQ watched and hovered over me, loved me fiercely and protected me from harm's way. She hated what I was going through, and tried so hard to take the pain away. We watched "House" episodes during winter months every night, and planned her graduation party. Life went on without TP, but there was a hollowness to it, and the joy was gone from my eyes. DQ is maturing, too - she is healing from past hurts and is opening up to me about many things. This season of her life is one of confusion, of trying to figure out who she is - but at least she is talking to me and not being defiant. She questions, but is searching for answers rather than questioning authority. Some anger is left over towards TP, but for the most part, they get along better than I ever imagined possible given how much DQ hated what I was going through before because of TP. They are tentative with each other - sometimes they do yell - but for the most part, they are trying to redefine their relationship to see how they fit in with each other. DQ has taken a strong liking to the baby - but she will never admit it because she's not overly fond of babies in general. However, I catch her talking to the baby gently, or playing with her at times. I am certain, eventually, DQ and TP will be close again.

This holiday season shall be a special one. Thanksgiving will be especially poignant this year. Christmas will be filled with joy as the little toddler girl opens her gifts and plays with the wrapping and the boxes rather than the gifts. She will be observing all of the traditions and taking each one of them in - and eventually, she will pass on those traditions to her own family as she recalls the Nana she lived with when she was little. Traditions like putting the baby Jesus in the Nativity Set on Christmas Eve before going to bed, going to the Christmas concert where Santa makes an appearance, watching The Muppett's Christmas Carol, singing Christmas carols around the baby grand, opening one gift on Christmas Eve, and checking the stockings first and then eating breakfast and then opening gifts. She will be wide-eyed and entranced by the magic of the season - the music, the lights, the laughter, the love. She will hear the tale of Jesus' birth time and time again. And she will be wished the happiest of New Year's ever!

I am ever so humbled and grateful to the Lord for all of his blessings. My life is full. I know that there will be times of sorrow again, but when that happens, I will face it with the knowledge that God is in control and those times have purpose and meaning to them, and He will bring me through them. Of that, I am certain.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I am not certain I will get a chance to post again until after Thanksgiving, so I did want you to know that I am grateful for your presence in my life. God bless you and yours!


At 11:54 AM, Blogger Heidi Pocketbook said...

Indeed you are blessed. I'm so happy that you will all be together for Thanksgiving and that your granddaughter is growing up in a loving environment.


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