Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Of No Value

My time away was wonderful. I spent most of my time with my mom's best friend, who has been like a second mother to me. Her wit and wisdom are true gifts from God, and I love her so much. She helped me through some of the difficulties I've been having recently - and just hearing her words that I was doing the right thing(s) in many areas of my life made me less anxious and less despairing. But it also opened up so many other areas of anguish.

I have been feeling useless lately. Utterly useless. My words don't seem to make a difference, and they fall on deaf ears. The only function I am performing is one of housekeeper, taskmaster, and bill-payor. My arms have been left empty with unreturned hugs, my tears have been shed without soothing comfort being offered. I feel invisible and alone and unloved.

Of what value am I anymore? This is the question that I keep on coming back to. My presence has no impact on others, other than just being the one in the background who is dispensable - I mean, ANYBODY can do the laundry, or remind others to pick up, or clean toilets - anybody can do these jobs right now. My jobs of being caretaker, comforter, counselor, mother, lover, wife - none of them are being recognized or valued right now. If anything, they are being thrown back in my face and ridiculed, or not appreciated, or met with derision. I feel beaten down and empty.

I'm sorry I'm depressing any of you, but this is where I am right now. I have much thinking to do, and many decisions to make about my future. This is my time of reflection, of prayer, of discernment - and hopefully, when I return to you, I shall have some answers.


At 9:21 PM, Blogger annb said...

I'm sorry you're going through such difficulties! Words are not much use now either, I'm sure! Please know that God is in control and sometimes we just have to be still and listen to know His comfort and His answer! I have, at times in my life(and some of those times seem to remain with me) felt many of the things you express - and the answers seem so out of reach! The term "empty nest" is such a easy phrase and can't begin to describe the real emptiness when not only your children leave you - whether physically or otherwise - but your husband also is "absent" - even though he hasn't left physically!
I am praying for you that you will find answers - the answers that will bring relief from the turmoil and emptiness. Your friend and prayer pal -

At 8:27 AM, Anonymous ukok said...


you know how my heart goes out to you in your suffering.

I am so sorry that you feel this way, but even though your feelings may be justified, you are wrong about not being appreciated. I've never met you, but I appreciate you. I genuinely do. I know it's not the same, but if some stranger from the other side of the world can be touched by your life, then you've got to be pretty special.

Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.


At 9:00 PM, Blogger My Kid's Mom said...

Thznk you, Ann and Ukok.

Much love to the two of you!


At 9:45 PM, Blogger Gina Burgess said...

Val, I admire you greatly. I cannot imagine going through the things you have and still have my sanity.

God chose you to experience the exact things you are going through because He knew you had exactly what it takes to go through it with Him.

I have been right where you were when you typed this and it stinks. One thing that I have to hold on to is "This, too, will pass." The only thing that last forever is our reward in Heaven, and boy howdy will we be getting a Whopper when we get there. I just know God has an extra special reward just for Moms. It's better than a t-Shirt and He didn't get it a Walmart on sale either.

BTW, did you get your check for $138,000 in your Mother's Day card? That's what our annual pay should be according to salary.com.


I didn't either.

At 10:40 AM, Blogger JodiTucker said...

Sometimes these lonely times force me to cry out to God because people will often let you down, but God never does. I think also of times when I have let others down and not been there as I ought.....especially with family because they are the ones closest to us. Praying for you right now!

At 2:15 AM, Anonymous nettie said...

I'm so glad you were able to have a vacation- you deserve it.


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