Of No Value

My time away was wonderful. I spent most of my time with my mom's best friend, who has been like a second mother to me. Her wit and wisdom are true gifts from God, and I love her so much. She helped me through some of the difficulties I've been having recently - and just hearing her words that I was doing the right thing(s) in many areas of my life made me less anxious and less despairing. But it also opened up so many other areas of anguish.

I have been feeling useless lately. Utterly useless. My words don't seem to make a difference, and they fall on deaf ears. The only function I am performing is one of housekeeper, taskmaster, and bill-payor. My arms have been left empty with unreturned hugs, my tears have been shed without soothing comfort being offered. I feel invisible and alone and unloved.

Of what value am I anymore? This is the question that I keep on coming back to. My presence has no impact on others, other than just being the one in the background who is dispensable - I mean, ANYBODY can do the laundry, or remind others to pick up, or clean toilets - anybody can do these jobs right now. My jobs of being caretaker, comforter, counselor, mother, lover, wife - none of them are being recognized or valued right now. If anything, they are being thrown back in my face and ridiculed, or not appreciated, or met with derision. I feel beaten down and empty.

I'm sorry I'm depressing any of you, but this is where I am right now. I have much thinking to do, and many decisions to make about my future. This is my time of reflection, of prayer, of discernment - and hopefully, when I return to you, I shall have some answers.