Sunday, November 22, 2009

National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month. As you know, adoption is an integral part of my life, as both of my girls are adopted.

In fact, right now, I am in a different state, spending time with my oldest daughter's birth mom! What an emotional experience it has been. I never expected the full impact this has had on me, and it will take awhile for me to process it and even write about it.

Suffice it to say, I am grateful for this opportunity to meet TP's birth mom and the rest of her "new" family.

But, you know, somewhere in the mix of all of this, one thing has been overlooked. And that is I feel very left out. I'm the outsider now. It's been painful for me. Yet, I know how important and wonderful and exciting it is for TP. But, why do I feel like I am losing her????

More on this later, after I get a chance to think it all through. . .


At 7:49 PM, Blogger Julana said...

Being a mother involves a lot of letting go.

At 9:50 AM, Blogger Jackie said...

thinking of you.

I know this will be a difficult transition for you. Just remember Sarah will always be your daughter, and although this relationship with her new family, it just that NEW, she will always be your daughter.

At 1:23 AM, Blogger Damama T said...

Hi lady! I've been away so long I don't even know if you'll even remember me. How like God to bring me back here on this post.

I know exactly how you feel. My daughter has chosen to go back and live with her previous foster family for a while. I know it's for the best but...

If you are interested in hearing the story of another REAL mom (that's us!) jump over to my two posts:

Just because it's for the best... and How far, how long

Hang in there. LIke Jackie said, this new thing will wear off. You will always be her REAL mother and when the dust settles it will be you she comes home to.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

At 11:42 PM, Blogger Amanda said...

I am an adoptee.

If I can encourage the fellow commentors to be a little more sensitive. No one should ever determine for an adoptee whom his or her "real" parents are. What an enormous emotional pressure this places over a term that doesn't really apply to ANY parent or child. No one places their claim, their stake, on another human being. Are there "fake" parents?" Are there "fake" kids vs. "real" kids? These are labels created to be hurtful. I encourage adoptive mothers not to trash-talk on biology. Someday, your adoptive kids may birth their own children and rememberances of how you've belittled their biological ties may alienate them from you. My beautiful son is the only biological relative I've ever known and I treasure that. When I hear insults of biology, it makes my heart absolutely ache.

Adopted kids are special with unique emotional needs that WE need to be free to work on however we feel we need to. We have two sets of parents with different roles. You cannot force loyalty and no one should ever make reunion about loyalty. Have enough trust in yourself as a parent and your daughter as a person and as family to be able to find a balance.

No one should ever expect a biological tie to just "wear off." Let her be free to feel how she needs to feel without emotional repercussion. I can tell you that anything otherwise, any criticism over interest in one's original (not new) family results in an adoptee feeling overwhelmingly shameful and guilty--perhaps in ways they cannot even describe. I have grown up with feelings that I could not label until the birth of my son. His birth helped me label the emotions I had for both my adoptive and birth mother as well as experience my own adoption completely differently. There's no need to try to control any adoptive child with words and reminders of who is "real" or not. Please trust us enough. Please trust your bond with your daughter enough.

Thank you and good luck in supporting your daughter during this emotional time.

At 11:51 PM, Blogger FauxClaud said...

I can imagne that it is very hard for you and you do feel left out. As emotional as a reuion situation can be for you, you are the outsider looking in and in allot of ways as reuions are about both the loss ane the found.
No matter what though, now is a wonderful chance for you to again be a true parent for your daughter. You are supoporting her while and trully, in overlooking ( or at least not reacting openly) to those feelings, you are putting the needs of your child first. That support can only keep comunication open and provide a better foundation. Many adooptees report that meeting their birth families only brings them closer to their adoptive parents. It's often hard to process our own feeliongs nad they can be very strong. There is nothing wrong with feeling left out, only acting out on things like jeaously and resentment. It's doubly hard becaseu it often seems like we only want to see the positive or beenfiots of adoption for all, but for all involved there is a foundation of loss. Now you have to process that you are not the only mother fiqure and adjest somewhat,. This takes times.
But by being opena nd supportive in letting them have thier time, you are tully acting in the best way.

At 3:52 PM, Blogger Robert said...


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