Saturday, February 25, 2006

To the Other Mother

Somewhere, out there. . .

Somewhere, out there, is a young lady who is wondering whatever became of the baby she gave birth to. I can see her in my mind's eye now. She's sitting on her bed, writing in her journal, asking a million different questions for which she may never get the answers. Therefore, I have decided to give this young woman a gift in the form of a letter. . . a letter from the adoptive mom to the birth mom.

My dear. . . I want to start this letter by first telling you a little bit about your daughter. She is beautiful - absolutely breathtaking. Her smile lights up the room and melts your heart in an instant. She is almost "too" intelligent, yet at the same time, she is somewhat naive. She is very social and has lots of friends, and she is doing great in school. She is loved for who she is, and that person has been formed as a result of your selfless love and our unconditional love.

Your daughter, I am thinking, probably looks a lot like you! I am sure she has a lot of your mannerisms. She talks about you, and she wonders what you look like, where you are living, and what you are doing now. She is especially curious if you are married and have had other kids by now, and if they all know about her. She has known since day one that she was adopted, and she is very comfortable about it. At the same time, she has asked countless questions about you, and I have answered them to the best of my ability, always letting her know how very much you loved her. It is interesting to me that she has rarely asked about her birth father. She says he's just a shadowy figure in the background who doesn't really mean anything to her because he didn't stay around to help you out. There is no anger towards him - there is just nothing there. She is so very grateful you didn't have an abortion - that you gave her the chance to live!

Your daughter loves you very much. At the same time, she loves me. But there is no tug-of-war in her heart as to whom she loves more - she just loves us differently. And I am so glad that she loves you without reservation. She never, ever felt abandoned by you, so please do NOT worry about that! In fact, she is a very secure person, knowing she has two moms - one who was chosen to give birth to her, and one who was chosen to be "the mommy who raised me up".

I also want to let you know that I love you, too. I can never thank you enough for giving me the gift of being her "other" mom. Your daughter has brought so much joy to everyone she meets, and you would be very, very proud of her. I will always keep you in my heart and in my prayers. In fact, there is not a day that goes without me saying a prayer of thanksgiving for you and your daughter. God has blessed me with your gift of a daughter, and I pray that he blesses you with peace and comfort knowing that she is loved and happy. There will be a special place in heaven for you, my dear. And I can't wait to meet you there!


At 11:49 PM, Blogger Jeff H said...

Wow. Just... wow...

At 8:40 AM, Blogger HeyJules said...

That was really beautiful, Val.

I wonder how many more young women would choose adoption over abortion if they knew that some day their child would grow to be a strong, beautiful woman like DQ?

I hope this encourages other adoptive mothers to follow suit and tell their birth mothers a heartfelt thank you.

At 8:47 AM, Blogger My Kid's Mom said...

Jeff - Thank you. I can't believe I actually rendered you speechless!

Jules - That is my hope - by spreading the word, it is my hope that women would choose life! And you know, this letter wasn't specifically about DQ. I wrote it to make it pertain to BOTH of my girls, which is why I used the generic "she" pronoun.

At 11:43 AM, Blogger Gayla said...

Amen and Amen, Val!

At 12:03 PM, Blogger Jennifer said...

Thank you so much for visiting my site and leaving me a message. I started my blog because my best friend did. She is an adoptive mother as well and it has been such a joy to experience adoption together. Your letter to your daughters' birthmother is so touching. It makes me feel good about our decision to keep in physical contact with Emma's birthmother and grandparents. I feel that in some small way - maybe greater than I'll ever know - that I am gifting them, too. E - Emma's birthmother - was 14 when she became pregnant. I am thankful every day that she chose to first seek help at Commonwealth Catholic Charities instead of Planned Parenthood (she made her adoption choice before she told her parents that she was pregnant). I don't want to think about what might have become of my beautiful, vivacious, loving Emma. It makes me sad for all the other Emmas who never got a chance to be. I look forward to reading your blog in more depth very soon. Moms - adoptive or otherwise - need all the friends and support they can get.


At 2:27 PM, Blogger Rebekah Christine said...

Val. I am extremely touched. May I PLEASE reprint this on my website:

In the adoption section I have a section on stories that I would like to put this in. Just so you know where I am coming from the "A BSon Writes..." is from me.

-Scott (Rebekah's Daddy)

At 5:41 PM, Blogger Julana said...

That is such a nice letter, MKM. I hope some people come across it, and it saves some lives. I honestly do. And maybe brings healing and validation to some others, who gave their children up for adoption.

At 8:27 PM, Blogger Tammy said...

Val, what a wonderful letter. I got chills reading it.

At 9:48 PM, Blogger Stacy said...

I pray God uses this letter to encourage women in a crisis pregnancy. Bless you Val, bless you and yours, and your yours' yours.

At 8:57 AM, Blogger Tyra said...

Oh,this was wonderful. I really think this letter will bring great healing to any birth mothers who come across your blog.

At 12:02 PM, Blogger ukok said...

What a joy it is to get a glimpse into your heart like this. So beautiful!

I pray that more mothers may be as generous as to love their children enough that they might allow someone else to love them when they can not care for them themselves!

How many millions of babies have been aborted that could have experienced the kind of love that you and your daughter have!

God Bless.

At 12:15 PM, Blogger the tentmaker said...

I'm a new reader here, and I want to echo Jeff. Your letter overwhelmed me. What courage and love it expresses. I know that God is blessing you, your daughters, and their moms, even though their moms may not know it.

At 1:32 PM, Blogger My Kid's Mom said...

Gayla - I knew you'd understand!

Hi Jennifer - Wow. I am glad that Emma's mom consulted that agency rather than Planned Parenthood, too! And I agree - all mothers need support and encouragement, seeing how society doesn't place as much value on motherhood as it used to!

Hey Scott - Thank you, I am touched that you want to used my poem. I found out something new about you today - you are adopted! I'll e-mail you about your request to use my letter, ok?

Julana - Thank you. I hope my words can provide hope and healing to the women out there who've made the decision to place their child up for adoption, or who are in the process of deciding what to do.

HI Tammy - I appreciate your comment! Thank you!

Stacy - I hope so, too. Thanks - I feel SO blessed now by all of your blessings!

Tyra - Thanks for stopping by - I've missed you! And thanks for your wonderful comment.

Ukok - I shudder to think of all those babies who have been aborted. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed by that thought. Thanks for your kind words - I truly appreciate them and you!

Tentmaker - I know God has blessed me, and I know He has blessed the birth moms, too. There will be a special place in heaven for them!

At 2:15 PM, Blogger said...

Reminds me of the passages of Scripture that speak of God making a home for those made homeless. Not only do you give your adopted child a family but the opportunity to be in God's family which may not have been the case with the physical parent. Oh, the decisions we make that effect eternity. Peace to you.

At 4:30 PM, Blogger Cathy West said...

I think you are amazing.
Growing up adopted, although it was never hidden, it was not discussed either.
Just this past weekend for some reason I have been a bit meloncholy and I posted about adoption on my blog too.
I wonder if my mom would have ever gotten to the point where she would have felt that way about my birthmother - or maybe she did - I don't know, she never told me.
You have a very healthy outlook on all of these things it seems, and I am sure that if your daughter ever makes the decision to search for her birthmom, you will be behind her one hundred percent. That will mean the world to her.
All I can say is keep talking to her, let her ask questions - it is time to break the cycle of secrecy and shame that surrounded adoption so many years ago. Maybe this generation will do that.
God Bless...

At 7:44 PM, Blogger Darlene said...

Val, you've taught your daughter well, bless your heart and the heart of her other mother. Your daughter is twice blessed.

At 8:16 PM, Blogger Paula said...

This one made me cry. You are a wonderful mom, a beautiful person both inside and out. What a wonderful gift to give to her birth mom. God bless you, God bless you, God bless you.

Love you,

At 9:59 PM, Blogger Mrs. Diamond said...

you have a big heart valerie
that just made me cry

At 11:31 PM, Blogger Jackie said...

That was beautiful! It both gave me chills, made me cry, and made me smile. Your daughters are so lucky to have you!

At 1:29 AM, Blogger Lisa said...

Val, you are a real blessing.

At 2:07 PM, Blogger Barbara said...

Here I am am, another one sobbing into her Kleenex!!!

God Bless you all...

love B

At 5:35 PM, Blogger Sarah said...

I have tears in my eyes from this post. Are you really sending this out to DQ's birth mother? That would be great if you were. I think she would be elated to know that her baby is doing so well, and that she is thought of this way.

At 10:50 PM, Blogger bigwhitehat said...

Sorry it took me so long to get here Val.

As you know I am looking for my birthmother. I have thought about what to tell her for a long time. It looks more like this post than you would believe. I imagine this is much like what my mother would tell my birthmother. One of the reasons I love you so much is: you remind me of my mother. Don’t take that wrong. If you knew her you would consider that remark the height of flattery.

I am glad to see you thinking this way. I am sure one day at least one of your daughters will eventually feel the way I do. The feeling is beyond mere curiosity. I feel gratitude. I hope when that day comes you will be excited and curious yourself.

I only wish that you were here. I want to hug your neck, kiss your cheek and thank you for being so wonderful.

At 4:16 PM, Blogger Shawnda said...

Tender and precious! I don't think many understand the COURAGE birthmom's have to make the decisions they make to place their children for adoption! I'm so thankful you wrote this letter!!! I shared it on my blog...thanks for giving us the joy of sharing your heart!!!

At 6:26 PM, Blogger Nettie said...

Wow. Very cool.

At 7:52 PM, Blogger My Kid's Mom said...

Owen: That's a beautiful way of putting it, and I agree with you. THank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.

Cathy: I've always wondered why adoption had been thought of as something shameful and which needed to be a secret. As a little girl, I can remember reading about adoption, and I always thought it would be a "cool" thing to do. I'd like to talk to more in private about your experiences. God Bless.

Hi Darlene - THanks for stopping by! I am the one who has been blessed, not just once, but twice, with my two beautiful daughters.

Paula - You are so sweet. Thank you. Lots of love to you and yours!

Mrs. D - Whenever I visit you, I am amazed by the size of YOUR heart. You have such a wonderful outlook of motherhood!

Jackie - Thank you so much. I'm keeping you in prayer right now.

HI Lisa! I appreciate your comment, thank you!

Barbara - Oh, you've made me cry on more than one occassion, you know! God bless you!

SArah - I can't send this to DQ's mom because the adoption is closed (the same is true for TP). I hope that perhaps someday she'll be able to read this letter. It's actually written for both moms.

BWH - You made me cry! I do consider what you said as a huge compliment when you said that I reminded you of your mom. That touched me very deeply. Also, I suppose you could send me a cyber-hug - but that's not quite the same thing, is it? Say "hi" to your mom for me, and to Echo!!

Shawnda: Thank you for sharing this on your blog!!! I'm heading over your way in a couple of minutes. . . How have you been feeling lately?

Nettie - YOu and Jeff must be related (see his comment). THanks, sweetie. I hope all is well with you!

At 2:25 PM, Blogger Bethany said...

This is such a beautiful letter. My eyes teared up just imagining that I had given a daughter up for adoption and then stumbled across such a beautiful thank you letter.

Thank you for sharing this. You are truly a blessed woman! And your daughters are lucky to have you as one of their mothers!

At 5:33 PM, Blogger owlhaven said...

Great letter!

Mary, mom to 8, 4 adopted


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