Turning the Page

Two years ago at this time, we were in the midst of doing a bone marrow aspiration on TP, trying to determine why she was so anemic. She was still on mega doses of prednisone and Solu-medrol and CellCept - medicaitons which suppress the immune system. Her face was swollen and she was a little overweight from the side effects of the meds, and her spirit was wavering because she didn't have a date for homecoming and she felt out of place.

Last year during the fall, she got her braces off, we had her senior pictures taken outside with brilliant trees as a backdrop, and she was tapering off her meds. We were looking at a lot of colleges, filling out applications, applying for financial aid.

In November of last year, she became gravely ill. We prayed feverishly for her survival. You may recall the miracle I experienced after praying to Mary, the mother of Jesus - TP recovered!

She is now off most of her meds, and has been at college for almost two weeks.

I'm not going to lie and say this process of sending her off to college has been easy on me. I've experienced sadness and grief like I've never felt before. At times, there is a huge hole in my heart when I physcially ache to give her a hug. Sometimes, it hits me like a huge ton of bricks that she is gone - and my eyes begin to tear up, my stomach gets tied up in knots, and my breath becomes labored.

And then, there are the times when I am at peace. It is during those times that I reflect on the fact that this is what we have been praying for all along - for her to be healthy and happy, and to be able to make her dream of becoming a nurse come true. There were times when I wasn't sure it was going to be possible because of all the medical problems that kept on popping up when we least expected them to. When I think of how far she has come - physically, emotionally, spiritually - I know that God has blessed her with an incredible spirit and determination to beat the odds.
My husband pointed out to me that we could have been remembering her during this time of year, rather than celebrating her new life as a college student. Remembering these things help me to keep this all in perspective, so that when I do begin to feel sad or anxious, all I have to do is think of the miracle which God has given to us.

TP had a rough time the first couple of days, but since that time, she has grown to embrace college life totally. She studies a LOT, has made tons of new friends (including a "special" someone!), and is involved in other activities including the Christian Fellowship Organization. She loves the independence and freedom - and has definitely overcome her homesickness. She calls me at least once a day to tell me how things are going, and I treasure our talks.

The other night, as we were saying goodnight, I told her I missed her. She paused and said, "I kind of miss you, mom - but I don't miss home - I hope that doesn't sound mean or anything, but I just love it here". So, I told her with a heart full of love and a lump in my throat that "I want you to know that this is YOUR time to shine, honey. Remember when you were so sick? We used to pray for this day to come - when you were happy and healthy and in college. Our prayers have been answered, sweetie, and I want you to just do your best and enjoy your time while you're there. Yes, I miss you - but I wouldn't want you to be anywhere else but where you are right now". She seemed relieved with what I had to say. And I was so overwhelmed when I was saying it, because I honestly meant every word. I had FINALLY come to terms with my daughter's leaving. I had raised her to be an independent, friendly, kind and loving person who grabbed life and lived it to the fullest - and so I can be content in the knowledge that she's on her way. She'll still need me, but in different ways. She'll always love me, of that I am certain. But, she'll always be my "baby girl" because I still remember her tiny head nestled on my shoulder - oh, so many years ago - with the moon shining into the bedroom as I sang her a lullaby.

Dear Lord, thank you for getting us to this point of TP's life. Watch over her, guide her, protect her from every evil and any harm which might come her way. Words can't express how deeply grateful I am that she is alive, healthy, and loving every minute of college.