Jumbled Thoughts
The situation here remains horrible. I've slept about 14 hours total since Monday night. I'm sick to my stomach and have lost weight. I continue to pray constantly. But I grow weary of it all, and soon I will get to the point of being so numb that I will just give up. Not talking suicide, just talking about giving up on trying. There comes a point in time where you just know that the situation is beyond being able to repaired, so why even try?
It will be 12 years ago tomorrow since my best friend, Ruth, died. How I need her right now.
I'm thinking about how strange and painful Mother's Day is going to be this year.
It was 4 years ago tomorrow that I got the phone call from TP's doctor that she needed to be referred to Children's Hospital because something very serious was going on inside her body. Little did I know then how devastating this illness would be on her emotional development, and how she has yet to heal from all of that trauma and fear. In a way, I wish we could go back to that time, because she and I were so close through it all - and now that closeness has been destroyed. I am so worried that we won't ever be close again. She hates me.
I'm sorry I've not been visiting your blogs lately. I promise to do so within the next couple of days. I keep each of you in my prayers. Thanks for listening.
3 Comments:
I found your blog a couple of years ago when I was trying to quiet my mind while waiting for my daughter to come home that night...I haven't been back in a long, long time. Something told me to get on tonight.
I have said a prayer for you, and TP's safety. The only thought that ever helped me to fall into an exhausted sleep, was that as all consuming and powerful as my love was for my daughter, God loved her even more..she was His child first, and he would protect her...I'll continue to lift up both of you. Lynn in Minnesota
Lynn, your words were a source of great comfort to me - they had great impact on me. Thank you for your concern and prayers.
I am so very sorry for your pain. I commented a few days ago and stopped by to see if perhaps things were easier. This will be my 3rd Mother's Day without my first born and only daughter and it does get easier. For me it was in those many sleepless nights and despair that I found what I needed the most. The knowledge that I had loved my daughter with all I had and I tried desperately to "fix" her only to be destoyed by her. It is not "giving up" but finding the peace and being able to accept what you can't change. I am glad that you get online support from those who know you and those who don't. I am glad that people are supporting you. You are a person of faith and one never knows what hat faith will bring a person. As a therapist I am sure you know that "grief" is a process and once we grieve for what we have lost we can move on. I hope that your daughter will find her way back to you - most of them do.
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