Losses

TP's boss called last night, and said that her 7 month old daughter had died a few hours earlier. While this phone call was not unexpected, what happened both during the phone call and afterward makes me realize yet again what a keenly sensitve daughter I have, who feels pain and love very intensely.

Jamie was born prematurely, with many medical problems, but who fought valiantly to live. She was a beautiful and precious child of God, and TP instantly fell in love with her. The medical problems progressed ever so slowly, and there were good days, which renewed everyone's hopes that Jamie would somehow, miraculously, live. But the body failed her fighting spirit, and now she is forever an angel with Jesus.

Intellectually, TP knows that Jamie is out of pain now, and in a far better place. When I was listening to her talk to the Jamie's mom, I was astounded with the comforting wisdom that came out of her mouth. I thought to myself "This kid is going to make a great nurse someday". And she will, when the time comes. But right now, she is so caught up in the pain and sorrow of her friend losing a such a young child. And, it brought back to her the memories of her friend who died last year at the age of 17. After the phone call, TP hung up, looked at me, and said with huge tears in her eyes "Why - why - why does God have to make parents lose their kids??? Why does it have to hurt so much? Why did He let Jamie come in to this world, if only to make her leave here so soon? Why did he have to make Nate sick and die so young?" I didn't say much, just comforted her.

Later, before going to bed, we talked about Jamie again. We discussed the "why's", and the pain and suffering of the world, and our faith. Just trying to make sense of it all. TP admitted that she wondered about her birth mom, and how painful it must have been for her to give her up for adoption. Again, many tears and questions came out - and some pent-up feelings of anger and loss. I thought to myself "This was Jamie's gift to you, TP, for you to be coming to terms with being adopted, to experience healing over the loss of your birth mom, and all the other losses of your young life". TP's sensitivity to others losses are because she feels her losses so profoundly, and thus she is able to have empathy and compassion because of her pain.

After tears (hers and mine), I tucked her into bed. I told her the story about my "talk" with God last year when she became very ill for the first time. It was an absolutely beautiful spring morning, and I was on my way back to Children's Hospital. I was thinking about all TP had endured thus far - the kidney biopsy, the surgery to put the port in her chest, all the countless and painful needle pokes, her humiliation of having a complete stranger see her body naked during thorough examinations, the indiginities of vomiting (and missing) into a emesis bowl - all of that and much more. I was pretty bold, and I asked God "Why TP - she's just so sweet - why will she have to be burdened with lupus the rest of her life?". Of course, there was no answer. So, I asked "Why me? Why do you want me to have to go through watching her suffer like this - how can I possibly be strong enough to help her through all this?". God then answered, "Val, I chose YOU to be her mother 16 years ago when she needed a mother to love her and nurture her. The reason why I chose you then is because I knew what was in store now, and you are the one whom TP needs to help her through this. All you have to do is trust in me to give you the strength to carry on". With that, I said to the Lord "Amen, thy will be done - I am your servant, and I am ready for this cross". How humbling - God trusted ME to comfort and give TP whatever she needed to help her through this. Later that morning, as I was wiping TP's brow after she had been sick, she looked at me and said "Oh Mom, I love you so much - thank you for being my mom". When I told TP this story last night, she began to cry. She had a little bit of her answer now as to why she was adopted - and with that, she smiled and gave me a hug, and closed her eyes to rest.

My baby has been through so many losses at such a young age. And she is becoming such a strong young lady. With God's grace, she will continue to grow in His wisdom and love. Thank you, dear Lord, for entrusting her to me.