Friday, March 31, 2006

The Point of No Return

Her defiant eyes told me more than her words were able to - she was an adult now, and as such, felt as though she could do as she wanted. I had never, ever felt such distance between the two of us, and instinctively, I knew that things would never be the same.

Since that argument, we have discussed the effect of what had transpired over the past few months to get us to this point of no return. There have been words of forgiveness, but in my heart, I am still full of sorrow and pain. How we could have even gotten to this point is beyond me, as we have always been so close and honest with each other.

She has made a choice of which I don't approve. All I can do is now stand back and watch her as she faces the consequences of that choice. My first instinct is to protect and shield her, but that part of my job is now over. The most difficult part is knowing that this choice is going to bring her much pain. In a way, it already has brought her pain - the pain of knowing that it has caused me to not trust her totally anymore due to the lies and deception and secrecy, the pain of my righteous anger when I discovered her "secret", and the pain of the words which came in the midst of our argument. But there will be more pain to follow, of that I am sure. And at that point, I will be back in the "familiar" role of being comforter. It's this role of onlooker that is killing me inside.

If you would have told me a few months ago that something would ever come between us, I would have told you that you were crazy. But now, something has, and I pray that over time, our rift will heal, and we can be comfortable with one another again. I pray that God will provide me with the wisdom and strength to deal with this situation, and I pray that He protects my daughter from the forces of wordly desires. Amen.


At 12:12 PM, Blogger Barbara said...

Oh Lord,
I pray that you, our Heavenly Father, who wants good things for his children, will look upon Valerie now, who, like Him, wants only good things for her child(ren).

Give her the strength to deal with this situation and break down the barriers that she feels are now in place that are in the way of her relationship with her daughter.

In Jesus Name we ask this.


Yes, it is hard.... each time, each step another tug at our motherly heart. Watching and waiting and knowing the pain that is sure to follow is no comfort..but at least you will be prepared and ready, with arms wide open like those of the Father who is greeting his long lost son...

Just love her... that is all you can so. I find that is what keeps me going. I may not like my son at times but I will always love him and he knows that - just as I am sure she knows that deep down.


I never did get an e-mai from you..are you still haveing trouble?

At 12:36 PM, Blogger Praying for your Prodigal said...

Oh my goodness! Your post is EXACTLY what my blog is dedicated to! Stop by! Post some advice...share a prayer request! I am linking your site to my favorites...I'll be back!


At 1:14 PM, Blogger HeyJules said...

Unfortunately, this sounds like normal mother/daughter stuff to me. I hope there is a small inkling of comfort in that, somewhere...

At 2:18 PM, Blogger Vicki said...

Oh, Valerie, I can sure relate. Having three grown ones now, I've stood by to watch many wrong decisions, after they had reached that so-called age of adulthood (18?). What Barbara said is good--all you can do now is love her. Sometimes we need to pull back and just pray more. I keep telling myself that the same Father God who loves me, LOVES HER. I will pray a hedge of protection around yours and mine, and give them to the Lord who knows not only what's best for their life experiences, but what the future holds. And isn't it good to know that He holds the future no matter what?

One day your daughter will surprise you when she rises up to called you "blessed" when you least expect it:-)

love & hugs from one mom to another,

At 3:33 PM, Blogger Jeff H said...

I suspect a large part of your own pain is that of transitioning from the mother of a girl to the mother of woman. The role is distinctly different from your earlier one--not less important, no less challenging, and at the same time so very, very different. You will see over time that the words of the Proverbist are true: "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it."

Have faith that you have instilled in her a true sense of God's power.

At 3:57 PM, Blogger JodiTucker said...

Val, my daughter (Jr. in HS) just arrived home and after we chatted, I had her read this blog. She realizes that other moms love their kids as I do and when there is distance due to lies and secrecy, it causes great pain, not only to moms but saddening God by the choices made. I am feeling your pain and praying for you right now and for her, too!
Lord, please comfort Val and help lead the reconciliation that only You can give.

At 5:42 PM, Blogger Nettie said...

I can't imagine the difficulty...

At 7:31 AM, Blogger Hope said...

The past few months have been such a struggle as I have watched my youngest son - who is newly 18 - make decisions that could have lifelong consequences. To not be able to stop him has been more painful than I could ever have imagined. It has forced me to dig deep, to re examine what love looks like. At this moment he is living with his 15 year old girlfriend's family; a decision that nearly broke us for good. I have a whole new perspective on what it means to let go.

The hardest words I have ever had to hear came from the heart of a dear friend who told me, "Maybe letting go means thanking your son for where he is on his journey because it has shown you where you are." And I was so not where I thought I was. It wasn't until everything I had poured into my kids was challenged that I found out how conditional I can be, how much I wanted control. How much I thought I had a right to be so controlling. I spent 10 months trying to regain the control of his life that I thought was my right. It has only been in the letting go that it has become bearable.

The words of a worship song come to mind - "Purify my heart..." Who would have thought the purifying would come through such a channel?

God bless you as you journey. A mother's heart holds so much.

At 9:25 PM, Blogger Sheryl said...

Val, I say a prayer for you and your daughter, your husband too. My huband and I have been experiencing a riff with my step daughter (his) for over three years. Her Mom is a non Chritian that resented the fact that my sd liked coming to see us and had fun here. It's a daily thought of what is she doing/going/etc. My husband has taken it hard, so have I. But she (step-d) is now 20, but still seems to be under her Mom's thumb. I pray for them both, but still miss the little girl of 4 when I first met her. She vacationed with us and she was always coming over. So I truly understand how hard this "growing" up can be. God bless you.

At 11:03 PM, Blogger Mrs. Diamond said...

i'm not at that stage of parenting yet, my oldest being only 11, but i imagine it's quite normal...i really dread it though, and pray that you both heal and grow from this. (hugs)

At 1:03 AM, Blogger bigwhitehat said...

I know this same situation is coming my way. All of her life you have been teaching her right from wrong. She has no excuse. It aint your fault, it is hers.

She is probably doing this in opposition to her concience. So, maybe that guilt will still have an effect.

Val, you are a good mother. She will have to mess up on her own a little to mature. And none of this is news to you. You have given this advice. Haven't you?

You know what you have to do now. So be content while you pray and wait. Being upset won't amount to any good thing. Know for certain that God Almighty stands by you and so do we.

Lord, bless Valerie and her daughter. Give them the mettle to weather this present storm. Give Valerie peace that surpasses all understanding. Turn her daughters heart toward you. In Jesus' name amen.

At 10:01 AM, Blogger Julana said...

It is hard for me to imagine myself in this situation. There are so many good things about having a child that is able to be so independent. But I see how hard it can also be. God be with you.

At 5:29 PM, Blogger Hikingalong said...

Valerie, are you sure you haven't been inside my mind and heart lately? The words you spoke on this post echoed exactly the way I've been feeling lately. My oldest daughter and I were always so close, in fact, sometimes people said we were too close. Now, I'm in the exact position you are of having to be onlooker while my heart is being ripped into pieces. Our relationship has been ruined. There is a deep gulley between us right now. I want things to be right again and I've tried everything I know. I've offered forgiveness even though I knew she'd not made restitution and now, all I can do is wait and pray and allow God to work on her heart. It's a very difficult place to be and although we're sharing something similar, you and I, I take comfort in knowing I'm not in this alone.

At 4:40 PM, Blogger Shawnda said...

so thankful to be reading your blog again after a busy couple of wks....and this is heart-wrenching! Thank you soooooo much for sharing this! I read your most recent post, and I know things have gotten better....but praying for you as ya'll work through this and all the consequences! Being a parent is SO hard....but it IS such a good reminder of the pain we bring the Lord, our Father, in our sin!!! Praise Him for that kind example!!! THAT is NOT to lessen what you are going through at all....I can't imagine! It's something I think about often...wondering what my relationship will be like with our kids when they are grown....and an ongoing prayer for grace in our bonding...and knowing how to nourish our relationships!!!

again...thanks for sharing with such honesty! I have a feeling this will bring me comfort in years to come!!!!


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