Tuesday, July 04, 2006



My Humble Opinion

Thank you to all who answered my question. I found your answers very interesting and thought provoking.

My beliefs about premarital sex come from not only from my religion, but also from professional observations. I do believe that one should abstain from sex until marriage, as that is what God has instructed us to do. In my clinical practice, I have seen the ramifications of teenagers who've had sex way before they were emotionally equipped to handle the consequences of that choice - and the ramifications include (but are not limited to) pregnancy, the transmission of a sexually transmitted disease such as genital herpes or HIV, and severe depression and even suicidality. Obviously, all of these ramifications will affect a person's life not only in the short-term but in the long-term as well. I have also noticed that when parents decide to go ahead and get birth control for their girls before the girl has even become sexually active ("just in case"), then the girls DO become sexually active. I've had several of these girls tell me that IF their parents had been stricter or had higher expectations of their behavior, then they would have NOT become sexually active.

What I have done with my girls is explain to them why waiting until marriage is not only pleasing to God, but it also helps them to find a mate who truly values her for WHO she is and not WHAT she is.

I've been frank with my kids - if they find a guy who has been sexually active, then it will be very important for him to be checked out for any kind of STD (including AIDS) before they get married, and if the guy refuses to get the necessary testing, then he has something to hide and he's probably not the right person for her to marry. This is going to be especially critical for my oldest daughter due to her autoimmune disease, which lowers her ability to fight off any kind of infection.

This topic came up when I was at our family reunion. I was essentially told that my view was unrealistic in this day and age, and that "even good girls have sex", so that I needed to alter my perceptions and "protect" my girls so that nothing would happen to them to affect their futures such as an unwanted pregnancy. To say that I was bewildered by their "advice" is to put it mildly. In my opinion, abstinence allows a young woman to avoid having to worry about her future - not only her physical and emtional future, but her spiritual future as well.

I'll be thinking about a new question within the next couple of days, but in the meantime, enjoy your 4th of July!!!!

14 Comments:

At 10:39 AM, Blogger JodiTucker said...

Val, I fully concur with your humble opinion. Without a faith-based stance though, it's pretty much a personal choice issue and young ladies and men will choose to do whatever they want with whoever they want whenever. Even if I had absolutely no faith in God whatsoever, I would lean toward teaching abstinence before marriage due to HIV/AIDS and other STD's and pregnancy, too.....not to mention the emotional upheaval when teens are unequipped to handle these consequences.

 
At 10:53 AM, Blogger Nettie said...

Well said Val. Happy Fourth.

 
At 12:15 PM, Blogger heathermka said...

I can completely understand why a belief in God instils this belief in people. It is a matter of personal choice, and if you are not a particularly religious person, views often change.

I understand that there are ramifications to pre-marital sex, just as there are plenty in marital sex. Just because you get married - doesn't minamilise the risk any more.

You don't have to be married to be tested, or be safe.

A lot of people do come to the assumption that if you have sex outside of a marriage, it's always bad. Which it isn't. It doesn't necessarily mean that a man doesn't love you for who you are, just because you haven't waited until you were married.

If you educate your children, whether they are married or not, they will only have sex when THEY are ready emotionally, and physically (should that be if they are married or not)and that they will be safe either way and THAT is what is important.

 
At 2:29 PM, Blogger bigwhitehat said...

I don't think I read the post you are talking about.

My convictions are not soley based on scripture either. I do hope that they are consistent though.

I was sexually active as a teen and was completely unable to handle the emotion attached to it. I was in turn a very moody and depressed young man.

I must have been a terrible boyfriend. I was possesive and over attached. No wonder I scared commitment shy young ladies away.

I really want to help my children develop differently. We talk about sex at the age appropriate level alot. Even when it aint comfortable.

I desperately want them develop their own convictions. Convictions based on truth. My parents felt terribly uncomfortable talking to my brother and I about sex. They avoided it. Both my brother and myself have had marriage and relationship trouble that might have been avoided.

I know my folks don't want me to make the same mistakes.

 
At 2:48 PM, Blogger ukok said...

One of the worste things I ever did was to become sexually active as a teenager. The relationship with the boy I lost my virginity to, quickly went down the pan once he got his way...and I was left feeling dirty and used.

After that, I felt that at least I had one thing to offer a boy, so at least they would want me for a little while...maybe they would even stick around...instead they just thought I was cheap. Boys might want to sleep with a tart but they don't want to marry one.

 
At 4:02 PM, Blogger heathermka said...

UKOK - I simply MUST comment on this: 'Boys might want to sleep with a tart but they don't want to marry one.'

Which i find rather offensive and a disgusting thing to say.

Not ALL boys are just interested in sex. It's very close minded and extremely sterotypical for you to say that. Just because YOU had a bad experience, does not mean that everybody is like that, or that everybody has a bad experience.

Also, women who have had sexual relationships and don't remain a virgin until their wedding night, are NOT tarts. That is also offensive.

I think you're living in the past with that comment. Women can have healthy sexual relationships prior to marriage, and still have a wonderful loving husband and loving marriage.

 
At 4:04 PM, Blogger heathermka said...

UKOK, i must comment on this: 'Boys might want to sleep with a tart but they don't want to marry one.'

Which i find really offensive and think it's a disgusting thing to say. Not only is it offensive to women, but it's very stereotypical of men.

I had a sexual relationship with my boyfriend, We did not jump into it without thinking, had many a discussion and made sure we were safe at all times. It was when I was ready, and if i was never going to be ready, he understood that. Not ALL boys are after sex.

Just because you had a bad experience, does not make that true of all men on the planet. You have to have good judgement, and trust.

Just because a woman has had a sexual or sexual relationships in the past, does NOT make her a 'tart'.

Generally, neither does the fact that a woman has had a sexual past, affect their ability to find someone to love, and therefore have a wonderful marriage.

 
At 1:32 AM, Blogger Kevin said...

"Not ALL boys are after sex."

As evidenced by your boyfriend? Of course, since you were "ready," we'll never know how long he'd have been willing to wait, will we?

You're wasting our time.

 
At 9:24 AM, Blogger Paula said...

Val,

I love these types of posts. I am so glad you won't let the opinions of those who differ from ours to deter you from posting questions like this. I totally agree with you on this topic.

Love ya,

 
At 2:59 PM, Blogger Grafted Branch said...

Hi! I came here though Celedon Pool. What an encouraging, sharpening blog. I'll be back to read more. Keep posting!

 
At 4:54 PM, Blogger Shawnda said...

Thanks for sharing! I can imagine why you were taken aback by such a comment from your family!! That's a SAD perspective!!!!! Really, almost blows my mind that people really think that way....and then....it just makes me sad. Thankful for God's grace that IS SUFFICIENT to fight sexual temptations before marriage!!!!

 
At 4:49 PM, Blogger ukok said...

heathermka,

Closedminded? I don't think so. I didn't say that ALL boys (men) seek to have sex outside of marriage. I've just not met one yet who was prepared to wait (for sex with me) but that doesn't mean they don't exist. Never said anything like that.


Now about having sexual relationships outside of marriage...how very 'secular thinking' of you...I once felt the same way so I do understand where you're coming from.

I lived a sexually active single life for many years and completely bought into the..."I'm a single woman and can bed who I want when I want" flasehood. I even thought I was happy doing it...well, I was for the short time the actual act lasted...but I drifted from one relationship to another...some were quite long term too..but I never experienced sexual love in the context of which it is intended to be celebrated.

I still have that to look forward to if it is God's will for it to happen.

For Catholic's, the sexual union is primarily two-fold...firstly to procreate and the secondly, to bond with one another. It isn't about self gratification, it's about giving of yourself totally and without restraint, knowing that the sexual union that you are participating in is blessed by God because it is a Sacramental union...Holy Matrimony is grace filled...the sexual act is more than a lurid, pleasure seeking sex fest..it's a means of expressing love in a way that Glorifies God and honours the body, the temple of the Holy Spirit.

God Bless you!

p.s. As for the 'tart' comment, I was referring to myself funnily enough.

 
At 11:05 AM, Blogger Stacy said...

Heathermka-good Lord; buy a navigational system because your lost sweetheart. As a wife of 20 years and a mother to three sons I can wholeheartedly say, yes, sex is all guys think about. One of my husband's employees put it like this one day "I think about sex only once a day, from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep". It's only after a guy matures that he can offer a quality partnership, those early years are simply getting off. I was a pregnant teenager and live with that mistake every day of my life. I have been fortunate though, I've asked God for forgiveness and He has blessed my marriage and my family. Unfortunately, you can't recognize these things until you are older and more mature. Until then, keep your legs together. You'll be thankful for it later.

 
At 12:32 AM, Blogger Darlene said...

Good answer Val. My friend has three grown daughters--all beautiful who are in their twenties and saving themselves for marriage. They have been raised well and are putting God first in their lives. It's not unrealistic.

 

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