The Time is Drawing Closer

Twenty years ago this month, my husband and I began the home study process for adoption. To this day, I wish that ALL parents were required to go through that process, and not just adoptive parents. While parenting doesn't come with an instructional manual, it should be something which one enters into with desire, gratitude, some knowledge of what makes a child "tick", and with just the right amount of fear so that you proceed cautiously and learn how to respect the child as a human being.

I remember the questions which were asked. Mind you, as a social worker myself, I already knew what to expect because I had asked the same questions to other parents - but it's entirely different when you're on the receiving end of the "inquisition" rather than the one actually doing the evaluation. I kept on wondering why I had to answer certain questions which I thought should not be anybody's business - but I knew what they were looking for, which was any red flags that might get in the way of being a good prospective parent.

I remember going to our lawyers office, and filling out a lengthy questionnaire, after which we had a long talk with him about the process of adoption - from the legal to the financial to the emotional aspects of becoming a parent in this manner. In our state at that time, adoptions were closed, meaning that there would be no contact between the birth parent(s) and the child and/or the adoptive parents until the child became of age at 21 years old. When that time came, then the child can go to the courthouse to see the records of her adoption. If the birth parent(s) have indicated a willingness to be contacted and have kept current information on file, then the child can legally contact her birth parent(s).

I remember thinking how long off 21 years sounded to me - a lifetime away - and that I would have all the time in the world with my daughter to love her and nurture her and help her become a wonderful young woman. But the lawyer cautioned us that the 21 years would slip quickly by, and that in the meantime, we needed to prepare ourselves and our daughter for whatever decision she would make at that time in the future.

I knew that I would tell my daughter from the beginning that she was adopted, and that she had a birth mom who loved her very much. I have read the letter composed by the birth mom to my daugher so that she could get to "know" her. We have included the birth mom in our prayers during the special times - like Mother's Day and Christmas and on our daughter's birthday - and I have kept her in my heart and prayers on a daily basis, as my daughter has, I am sure. What I didn't anticipate those 21 years ago is how I'd be feeling now, now that the time is so close for my daughter to make her decision next year. I thought I'd be prepared for it, as the lawyer suggested - and I've done many things to not only prepare my daughter for it, and to help myself as well - BUT - I am not ready for it. At all.

I'm scared. I'm afraid. I'm worried. I'm anxious. I have to keep on reminding myself that this is NOT about me - it's about giving my daughter the chance to do whatever she deems is right for her - but it's still difficult. I have loved her forever, I have been there when she was so deathly ill, I have been there when she gives me those wonderful hugs and kisses and tells me she loves me, I have heard her say I'm the "bestest and prettiest" momma in the whole world. But, I'm afraid that once she meets her birth mom, then she will compare us and find me lacking. I'm afraid that she will become so attached to her birth mom that I will become an afterthought.

A few years ago, when my best friend died, my daughter (who was about 6 years old at the time) saw that I was crying. She immediately went and found the blanket which my friend had made for my daughter's adoption, and my daughter handed it to me and said "Here, momma - take this because then you will always have a part of Ruth with you where ever you go". When it comes time for my daughter to leave and meet her birth mom, I am going to give my daughter a special gift, too. The gift of my loving her enough to let her go so that she can meet the wonderful woman who gave birth to her, the unselfish woman who gave me the glorious opportunity to become a mother, the courageouse and brave woman who trusted virtual strangers with the most precious gift of her daughter. I will do this because I know that Sara will ALWAYS have a part of me where ever she goes, and vice-versa. If, by chance, Sara decides to not meet her birth mom, I will support that decision, too. In my private practice, the majority of adoptees who've met their birth parents have had very negative experiences. Of course, I am concerned that it might happen that way for her, and I'll be here to help her through that. But, either way, it's her choice as to what she's going to do. She may even decide to wait until she is older before making her decision.

All I know is that it doesn't matter how much one "prepares" for this to happen, it still comes as a shock when the time draws nearer for this decision to be made. Where did the last 20 years go? That little pink bundle which I first met in the lawyer's office was all wrapped up in Ruth's blanket and lots of love. She has grown into a beautiful and intelligent and compassionate young lady with a loving heart, who takes your breath away when she enters a room because she has been graced with an inner beauty shining through those gorgeous eyes which are filled with God's love. And I love her - pure and simple - because she is, without a doubt, my daughter.