Friday, May 09, 2008

At the Beginning, At the End

Twenty years ago, my father died.

I was told over the phone by my sister in Michigan. I was holding my oldest (who was all of six weeks old) in my arms on that cold May morning, and looking out the back door as my sister broke the news. A bird flew overhead, and I felt a warm presence within me. I thought of Dad's soul passing on to heaven at that very moment, which was passing by the soul of my newborn - their first and only encounter, if you will. I felt very sad, but very much at peace. Today, twenty years to the day, my oldest has left the family for good - physically, emotionally, spiritually. I feel immense sadness, but no peace.

How I wish it were twenty years ago today, starting all over with her. I choose this song because it was from a movie which she wached over and over again with me when she was little. It has a special significane to me because of our strong bond, and it chronicles the nature of our relationship. My hope and prayer has ALWAYS been that "in the end, I want to be standing at the beginning with you". I wanted to be standing with her, next to her, as she started her new life as a woman, sharing in the joy of that special moment, and looking forward to watching her blossom.

I miss her so much. I miss her hugs. I miss her smile. I miss her laughter. I miss the way she called me "momma". The happy memories bring hot tears of anguish and not of joy because she is gone now, and she was such an integral part of me. I won't be able to hear her voice everyday. I won't be able to hug her everyday. I won't be able to observe the changes in her as she grows more mature. I won't be a part of her life anymore. I won't be able to watch grandbabies grow and help to take care of them. Other people will become more important to her than I ever will be again.

I won't be. Ever. Again.


At 5:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please don't give up hope on your daughter. "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 1 Corinthians 13:7

I am 19-year old girl, and I enjoy reading your blog. I am in my first year of college. The first semester I really got into something I shouldn't have. While that experience left me hurt and broken, I am the stronger because of it. I heard an analogy of being connected to God by a rope. When we sin, the rope is cut. When we seek forgiveness, He ties the rope into a knot, and we are closer to Him than before. I am stronger now in my relationship with Him than I have ever been. Perhaps this will be a wake-up call for your daughter, and will help her to come to the Lord once and for all. She will wake up one day and realize that she is living a life that is not making her happy and decide to turn to Him and change. You inspire me a lot by your love for your daughters, and I am also going into the counseling field and I like knowing that there are other Catholic counselors out there. Your family is in my prayers.

At 7:45 PM, Blogger Barbara said...

Crying... and praying!

At 11:46 PM, Blogger terrib said...

I stop by your blog every once in a while. I am sorry to see things are going so badly with your daughter. You are in imy thoughts and prayers and so is she. Happy Mothers Day, you have earned it.

At 3:51 PM, Blogger My Kid's Mom said...

Dear Anonymous - Thank you for stopping by and making a comment. I wish there was some way I could get in contact with you. I am glad that you learned from your experience, grew stronger, and reconnected with the Lord. How I wish for and pray for that to happen with my daughter! My fear for her is that when she does "wake up", she will have experienced so much harm to herself physically, emotionally, and spiritually that she won't know what to do. Thank you for your kind words that I inspire you - funny, how I do the exact opposite for my daughter. If you're considering going into the counseling field, contact me again and I would be glad to help mentor you.

Barbara - Thank you my friend. I haven't stopped crying yet. . . or praying, for that matter.

Terrib - Thank you for your kind words and prayers. I truly appreciate it.

At 10:02 PM, Blogger Gina Burgess said...

Val, I had no inkling! It is so strange how we get caught up in things and believe everyone we love is doing okay... then, I see your pain and I feel it, too.

I am sorry that you must walk through this valley.

You'll get your daughter back. It may take a long while, but you'll get her back because God is in control, we know that He is God and all the nations tremble, but, His eye is on the sparrow and I know He is watching over her.

My friend Stan wrote today that we are just visitors in people suits while we sojourn here. That is one of the most encouraging things I've beheld in quite sometime.

At 3:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As the result of lies told by my daughter-in-law, I lost my son for 5 years. Eventually she got tired of manipulating him and left. I have my son back. I don't know what whispers your daughter is listening to, that have influenced her to do what she has done, but, keep praying. Our Lord is good. Anonymous is right. The love you have shown your daughter is still there buried in her spirit. One day it will grow again and bear the fruit you hope for. Another Mom


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