At the Beginning, At the End

Twenty years ago, my father died.

I was told over the phone by my sister in Michigan. I was holding my oldest (who was all of six weeks old) in my arms on that cold May morning, and looking out the back door as my sister broke the news. A bird flew overhead, and I felt a warm presence within me. I thought of Dad's soul passing on to heaven at that very moment, which was passing by the soul of my newborn - their first and only encounter, if you will. I felt very sad, but very much at peace. Today, twenty years to the day, my oldest has left the family for good - physically, emotionally, spiritually. I feel immense sadness, but no peace.

How I wish it were twenty years ago today, starting all over with her. I choose this song because it was from a movie which she wached over and over again with me when she was little. It has a special significane to me because of our strong bond, and it chronicles the nature of our relationship. My hope and prayer has ALWAYS been that "in the end, I want to be standing at the beginning with you". I wanted to be standing with her, next to her, as she started her new life as a woman, sharing in the joy of that special moment, and looking forward to watching her blossom.

I miss her so much. I miss her hugs. I miss her smile. I miss her laughter. I miss the way she called me "momma". The happy memories bring hot tears of anguish and not of joy because she is gone now, and she was such an integral part of me. I won't be able to hear her voice everyday. I won't be able to hug her everyday. I won't be able to observe the changes in her as she grows more mature. I won't be a part of her life anymore. I won't be able to watch grandbabies grow and help to take care of them. Other people will become more important to her than I ever will be again.

I won't be. Ever. Again.