Once Again

Here I am, once again.

It has been ages since I have posted on here on a consistent basis. I vascillate between wondering whether I should close down this blog forever, whether I should just keep it open for a reminder of the journey I have been through over the past several years, or whether I should start blogging once again.

If I started blogging again, where would I even begin? How would I begin? What would I say, and what would I refrain from saying?

All I know is that I have so much weighing on my heart right now, and I want so much to just write and write and write. . . but I know that there is so much that is better left unwritten and just kept in my heart.

Suffice it to say that it's been another year full of anguish. The one joy in my life is my little granddaughter, who brings warmth and laughter and love into my soul. She is the reason I keep on going every day.

I have lost so much this year. Relationships. And love. And I feel abandoned by so many - especially God. Why? Why do I keep on losing those whom I love?

Answers never come. Only silence. And the silence is often broken by the unbearable sobs which are accompanied by bitter tears.

2012. I wonder what this year will bring. I have no prayers left, unfortunately. Not ever answered. Not ever acknowledged. Not ever heard. I am lost. I am so very, very lost.