Saturday, November 29, 2008

Christmas Canon (Trans-Siberian Orchestra)

We're seeing TSO on December 20th - I can't wait! Yes, the Christmas season has begun. Advent starts tomorrow - and I am looking forward to preparing on a much deeper level for Christ's birth this year. I'm still grieving, but I'm slowly healing. Thanks for all of your prayers and notes of concern.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Thankful-Josh Groban

I posted this last year for Thanksgiving, and decided to do it again this year. It's a gorgeous song and I dedicate it to all of my family and friends. Yes, I do have so many blessings for which to be thankful. Enjoy your families, give them lots of hugs, and relish the memories. It can change so quickly. . .

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A Big Hole

She leaves tomorrow at noon. Please keep her in your prayers. Please pray that she stays healthy (especially now that she doesn't have health insurance anymore). Please pray that she finds her way back to the Lord. Please pray the He protects her and keeps her safe in His graces. Please pray that she thinks of us everyday and remembers all of the love and devotion we have given to her over her lifetime.

I never thought it would turn out this way. Never.

TP - when you read this, please know of our constant love for you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers every second of every day until you return home. We will embrace you with open arms when that happens, with love and forgivenss and joy.

There will be a big hole at our Thanksgiving table on Thursday. And there will be no mashed potatoes made until you return home (that's her favorite dish) - I can't bear to make them without you here to enjoy them with such relish.

I love you, my child. This is tearing me apart. If I thought this decision was going to bring you happiness and peace and the love you are searching for, then I would bless it. But I am so afraid of how much this decision is going to hurt you - spiritually, financially, emotionally, health-wise - for a long time to come.

God bless you. I long to feel your embrace and hear you say those words "I love you, Momma".

Sunday, November 16, 2008

National Adoption Month

Thank you for letting me be an adoptive mother, Dear Lord.
Thank you for my two beautiful daughters whom I love more than life itself.
Thank you for the privelege of watching them grow every single day of their lives.
Thank you for letting me know that kind of love that can bring such incredible and awesome joy, and such devastating and encompassing anguish.
Thank you, dear Lord, for bringing me comfort and strength as I let go. . .
Thank you, dear Lord, for all of the wonderful memories of baby smiles, toddler hugs, reading endless books every night, saying prayers together, making mashed potatoes for Thanksgiving, singing lullabies, helping with homework, comforting tears, endless days and nights in the hospital, and just being there with them.

I love you, TP and DQ. Forever and always, you shall be in my heart.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

No Miracle

TP is moving away two weeks from today. She has quit college and has given notice at her jobs. I don't want to go into any more details at this time, other than to say that I shall always love her. And I love her enough to let her go. Hopefully, in time, she will find her way back home to her family and her Lord. Like the prodigal son, we pray for her return. We shall cry for her and pray for her every night. Please keep her in your prayers, ask God to watch over her and protect her from all harm.

My precious child, you are so loved. My arms ache for your hugs, and my ears long to hear you say "I love you, Momma" just one more time.

Goodbye, my princess.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

November 9, 2005

I wrote this three years ago, about the events of what transpired on this miraculous anniversary.

". . . TP took a huge turn for the worse at the hospital. Her temperature just wouldn't go down - it was at 104.8*. She was listless, almost comatose. Her blood pressure kept on dropping, dangerously low (the lowest I remember seeing it was 98/22). She had sepsis, and they didn't know the cause. The doctors decided to transfer her to the PICU unit where she could be monitored at all times by her very own nurse. I remember looking at her attending physicial, and bluntly asking if TP was going to make it. His reply was vague, which didn't calm my nerves any.

"I stood by the window, looking out into the distance where the sun's glow was diminishing into an autumn sunset. For the first time in almost 18 years, I was terrified of losing my daughter. We had been through so much, what with the lupus diagnosis 18 months ago, but even with that, I just knew she was going to be all right. This time, I had a very sick feeling in my stomach, and I was sobbing.

"I was able to compose myself enough to follow TP down the the PICU unit. When we arrived, they told me I had to wait in the waiting room for about 20 minutes until they could get her situated in her bed. I kissed her hot forehead, and her eyelids fluttered in response. I went into the waiting room, and just dropped into a chair. I was aware of other people looking at me, but it didn't matter. It was at that point in time that I began to pray feverishly. I found myself talking to Mary, realizing she KNEW what I was going through, because she had watched her Son suffer so much as well. I don't remember all that I said to her or what I prayed to God, but in a matter of a few minutes, I found myself saying the Rosary. It's a beautiful prayer. I asked Mary to take my prayers to her Son, and to intercede on my behalf, for TP to be helad. I called upon my own deceased mother to pray for TP. I also called on TP's great-grandmother (whom TP was named after) to pray for TP's recovery. All of these prayers were mixed in with saying the Rosary.

"Those twenty minutes seemed like twenty hours. They finally called me back to ther area, and I opened the curtains up - and there she was, sitting up and alert and talking to the doctors and nurses!! I must have looked extremely shocked, because TP looked at me and said, "Mom, are you okay?" I said I was just fine, but I asked what had just happened here. The doctors went on to say that a few minutes after they had wheeled Sara back to her area, she "woke up" and starting talking. They had no explanation for it whatsoever. Dare I say that this was a miracle?"

I am now confronted with asking for another miracle. I'm frightened for my daughter on many levels. The battle was for her physical life was three years ago. The battle for her spiritual life and emotional well-being is now being waged. This is a much more difficult battle to win. I have prayed to Mary again, I have prayed to God. I have prayed to my mom and TP's great-grandmother. The sick feeling in my stomach isn't going away. All I can do is pray that God touches her heart and soul, and helps her to see the truth of this situation which she is in. I pray that she comes home to Him and to us with a humble, contrite, and repentant heart.

I miss her hugs so much it hurts. I miss our relationship, which was so kind and loving. I miss watching her grow in spirit, in her faith, in her maturity, in her knowledge.

Dare I ask for yet another miracle, three years to the date after receiving THE miracle of miracles?

And, if you could say some prayers for me this week as I face some medical tests, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

Friday, November 07, 2008

A Mother's Love

A Mother's love is something
that no one can explain
It is made of deep devotion
and of sacrifice and pain
It is endless and unselfish
and enduring come what may
For nothing can destroy it
or take that love away
It is patient and forgiving
when all others are forsaking,
And it never fails or falters
even though the heart is breaking
It believes beyond believing
when the world around condemns,
And it glows with all the beauty
of the rarest, brightest gems
It is far beyond defining,
it defies all explanation,
And it still remains a secret
like the mysteries of creation
A many splendor miracle
man cannot understand
And another wondrous evidence
of God's tender guiding hand.
Author Unkown
I will always love you, TP. I will always be here for you. You have always been, and will continue to be, my precious daughter. Nothing or no one can take my love away which I have had for you since the beginning of time. You will always be in my heart, on my mind, and forever etched in my soul. Love, Momma