Friday, May 30, 2008

A Welcome to Summer

DQ is finishing up her junior year in high school. One more year! That's so difficult to comprehend. Fortunately, we have the college chosen already, and she will be living at home with us for those four years. So, the transtion from high school to college will be easier on all of us. It will be great to have her here, and we are in the midst of planning her "dorm room" here at home. We have a large guest room which we will convert into her own private sanctuary - complete with a loft bed, work area, refrigerator and microwave. This summer, after she's done at her 3 week camp, we will begin the process of setting up that room.

The next couple of weeks will prove to be busy. DQ has to finish up finals, get her wisdom teeth pulled, take her ACT and SAT tests, and pack for camp. Then, she'll be gone for three weeks. I will take her to Michigan and stay at my in-laws house (all by myself) for several days until my husband comes up for vacation. Do you know how WONDERFUL it will be to have a house on the beach all to myself for 3 or 4 days?! I plan on doing absolutely nothing. It will be a time to start the healing process, to let go of the pain and suffering I have been through lately, to cry over memories of when the girls were young and they would romp on that beach together, a time to transition myself into a new life where TP is no longer the center of my world. It will be a cleansing time. It will be a time to decide what I want to do for the next half of my life.

It will be a bittersweet time to be at that house without the girls - DQ at camp and TP consumed with her own life and not willing to vacation with us (of course, she can find the time to visit the relatives of her boyfriend, but not her own aging grandparents - again, an example of her own selfish priorities right now). It will be a time to try to get used to the idea that I need to focus all of my energy on raising just one child. I feel like a failure with the other one - yet I know I have been a good mom to both, raising them in a loving and Christian environment. It's up to TP now to decide to walk in the truth and follow God's path - but that is not what she is choosing to do. It will be a time to let God work his magic on my heart - to let the anger and bitterness subside so that I do have the energy needed to focus in on my husband and DQ.

I plan to shift the focus of my writing from now on - to go from the loss of one daughter to the nurturing of another. I plan to be more positive, as there is still so much for which to live. I plan to stop wallowing in my pain and let God's peace and comfort take ahold of my heart. I plan to stop begging and pleading with TP and let her just be. She has to learn lessons on her own, and a lot of them will be very painful. Sure, I will be here should she need me - but I am not going to try to cushion her fall. I'm tired of being ignored and rejected. I'm so very tired, and I want to re-join the land of the living. I am guessing that most of you are relieved to hear that I will be shifting my focus - I know I have not been "fun" to be around lately. I appreciate all of your prayers - even though you haven't commented much, I know that there isn't much you can say but I know you've been keeping me in your prayers.

So, I welcome the summer with open arms. I hope it's one of the best ones I've had in a long, long time. God bless all of you.

When He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth". John 16:13


At 9:02 AM, Blogger HeyJules said...

Now, THERE you go.

Glad to see you finally had enough of the mommy martyr thing. Move on. Live your life. Love your daughters but do NOT give them the power to hold your love hostage.

Way to take back the power...

At 10:32 PM, Anonymous annb said...

I think, based upon my own experience, that you have to set aside time to grieve - to feel the pain and know there's a reason for it! One of the reasons I visit your blog is because I can come here knowing that the truth will be spoken. I can come here and know that you're real! Some of the blogs I visit are not that way and I wonder who these people - who never express true emotion - really are. Do they go through their normal day-to-day life never expressing emotion? I don't know, but for me I know I have many feelings - good and "not so good" and it's good to know that I'm not alone.
I know how difficult it is to lose a child - not to death, but a loss none the less.
I continue you to pray for you and for your family. I also wish I had a beach house to visit alone!
In His Love and Blessings,

At 7:52 PM, Blogger My Kid's Mom said...

Hi Jules! I'm glad that I'm taking back the power, too. But, I wouldn't term what I have been going through as "the mommy martyr thing". I was going through (still am) a grieving process - because this has been like a true death of a cherished family member.

Ann - I haven't heard from you in a long time, and I apolgize for not visiting your place in a long time, too. Thanks for your kind words of support and understanding - I value them very much, just as I have come to value our friendship. THanks for your prayers, too. I'll be over to visit you soon!

At 5:37 AM, Blogger Barbara said...

Sounds like this trip will be just what you need.....

I will be thinking of you...


At 4:34 PM, Blogger My Kid's Mom said...

Thanks, Barbara!


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