33 Days

Orientation was yesterday at TP's college. The parents and students were divided into their respective groups, and the whole day was spent gathering information about what to expect from life as a college student and life as the parent of a college student. Practical issues were addressed, but the parents also had the option to listen to presenters speak about the emotional challenges our kids will be facing as they begin their college careers. While I know this kind of stuff theoretically, it's just so different when it applies to your very own child.

I felt the pit in my stomach begin to gnaw even deeper. I felt my tears well up in my eyes. I felt an overwhelming urge to bolt out the door, in hopes that I could somehow stop this from becoming a reality.

I know this is something I can GET through, but it's not something I necessarily want to GO through. I hate the thought of missing her like crazy when she's gone. I hate the thought of wondering how she's doing - is she eating properly, is she studying enough, is she making the right choices, is she safe?

This process of letting go is something we, as parents, start when our kids are first born. That first step, that first day at school, that first date - all of these are markers of their growing independence.

This process of letting go allows them to become persons with the ability to take care of themselves - emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually.

But this process of letting go is painful. It hurts me to the very core of my being. This is unchartered waters for me, as I face the days and nights without her safe and sound under my roof.

Mixed in all of this pain is an incredible sense of excitement for her. She's maturing so rapidly right now. She's making decisions which are reflective of her values and of great thought on her part - and not based on her feelings or peer pressure. I'm proud of her. And I am very, very confident in her ability to survive and thrive in her new environment. She will be challenged and she will challenge others. She will incorporate new ideas, and throw out some old ways of doing things.

In essence, she will become a woman. That will affect the nature of our relationship - and I think that is the part about which I am so uncertain. Will she find out that she can't stand me? Will she reject me and my way of life? Will she not need me anymore? Or, will our relationship grow deeper?

I have only 33 more days with her here at home. I'm planning to savor each and every day.