The Prodigal Daughter

What is going on here?!

Whatever has inspired this transformation, I certainly like it!!! (Ok, I know that prayer had everything to do with it).

TP has been here this weekend, and I must say, the "old" TP has returned. The happy, giggly, bubbly one who gives me hugs and kisses and says "I love you" randomly. I've missed her a lot the past year. TP had become argumentative, defensive, secretive and known to not tell the whole truth. She went through a difficult phase as a result of some bad influences on her, and I have been quite worried and have spent many nights in tears, with prayers for her return on my lips constantly. I noticed some subtle changes beginning when she was home at Christmastime, but since she returned to school earlier this month, I've noticed her kind and loving nature returning, coming back in full force.

She has been working hard at school, going through "rush" in order to bid on a sorority, and seems to have found a good balance between her academic life and her social life. But most of all, it seems like she is back on track with her spiritual life.

Welcome back, TP. You've been missed! Like the Prodigal Son, you have returned.

The Prayer Room

Do you have a special prayer for which you'd like others to pray? If so, Darlene has added a "prayer room" to her ezine, where you can go and post a prayer, or lift up in prayer those which have already been posted.

Please visit http://www.christianwomenonline.net/Prayer_Team.html .

A Welcome to My Daughter

My daughter, TP, wanted me to inform you that she'll be making comments from now on as "anonymous". Some of you may have noticed that she made a small comment in my last post - just a simple "hi mom".

So, I wanted to officially welcome my most favorite lurker of all time - my "anonymous" daughter, TP. I am sure you'll enjoy reading her comments and observations. If you wish, please leave a comment welcoming her to my blog. Maybe I'll even ask her to write a post now and then!

I love you, TP!!!! Now, sweetie, after you read this, it's time to hit the books again!

Deleted

I just deleted my last entry, which was a video featuring the song "100 Years". I tried to add an extra line to my post, and unfortunately, when I republished the entry, the video was deleted. Heh. Oh well, I decided to not post it all over again - but I did just want to make mention of the fact that TP wanted me to let you know that the song was her graduation song. It always brings tears to my eyes.

This brings me to a thought I had while I was accidentally deleting the video. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could delete our words or our actions that we regret? It would be such a huge relief to be able to obliterate those things which now make us wince with shame, or cry out in pain! It would be even better if those hurtful things we did to others could be totally deleted from their memories as well. Unfortunately, God didn't invent a "delete" button for us to use everytime we do or say something wrong. No, He expects us to do the difficult and painful thing - swallow our pride and our shame, and go and apologize to the person(s) we've hurt. Do you think He did that on purpose? Of course He did! He wants us to not only learn from our behaviors, but also how to repair the damage we've inflicted on others - so that, perhaps, we will NEVER do those things again. Part of an apology requires us to sincerely say that we will not offend the other person again with that kind of hurtful behavior.

Lately, I've been thinking about all the mistakes I have made as a Mom. Lots of them - from yelling too much, to being impatient, to not speaking up when I should have, or saying too much so that what I was saying was falling on deaf ears. I am certain my daughters remember a lot of these mistakes, and I am concerned what kind of impact that has had on them. Have my mistakes caused them to love me any less? Have they damaged my girls in any way? Have they caused TP and DQ to keep secrets from me? Have they caused them to not be honest with me? Have my mistakes caused either of them to not be able to form healthy relationships with
others? How I wish I could delete all those mistakes!!! But no, I know that I can't do it the easy way. I must, slowly but surely, start talking to each of my girls individually, and begin the painful process of asking for forgiveness.

And what a gift God gave us when He "invented" forgiveness. It's an opportunity to heal a relationship. To make it better. To make it stronger. And to make it more kind and loving.

At The Beginning. . .

To my husband - our journey has only begun!!! I love you!

A Moonlight Message

I was driving home on Wednesday evening after dropping TP off again at college. It was a busy day, full of doctor's appointments, etc. TP had two corneal abrasions which needed to be checked out again, she had to have her labs drawn, and both girls had to see our PCP (TP has a lower respiratory infection and DQ has a sinus infection). As I turned on the radio to listen to some classical music in order to relax, my anxiety and worry made my eyes well up with tears. I'm just too tired to deal with this, I thought. The eye doctor told TP that there might be permanent eye damage. DQ's infection has been resistant to antibiotics and is very stubborn. This was the first night TP was going to be away from me while running a fever - and usually fevers goes haywire in her body, often requiring an intensive Tylenol/Advil routine, and sometimes putting her in the hospital as the infection takes over her immunosuppressed body, making it too weak to fight.

I kept on telling myself that she'll be all right - she's 18 (and an adult now, as she's so fond of reminding me) - but what she fails to realize is how precarious it can be for her when she gets an infection. Yes, her lupus is in remission - but I remember all too well all those nights in the hospital, when she was fighting so desperately to get better - and it's hard for me to NOT be next to her, to keep an eye on her "just in case". . .

I glanced over to the right, and I saw something which took my breath away. It was a huge, absolutely gigantic moon suspended in the lower northeasatern sky. Immediately, despite my tears, I felt an immediate sense of peace. God knew that I needed to be reminded that HE is in control. He is here - and He wants me to hand it over to Him - He wants to comfort me and give me strength. I pulled over to the side of the road, and just gazed at that gorgeous moon. The calmness and tranquility I felt was such a healing gift. I was able to let God's loving presence sink into my soul, and He let me know that I would be able to handle whatever happened (there's a lot more going on in my life besides this), because He'd be right there all along. He reminded me that He chose me to be my kids' mom for some very good reasons - and that those reasons are very plain to see as we go through these turbulent and anxious times. He let me know He trusted me to guide both of them through these times, with the wisdom and strength and patience He would provide to me.

I resumed my journey home, and I was reminded of a different conversation God and I had almost three years ago when TP first got sick - with a very similar message. And, despite all the pain and suffering over this time period, we have been blessed in many ways.

The fever TP had a couple of evenings ago has now subsided - and she took care of it herself rather than having me watch over her. Her eyes are improving, and I did find out that there will NOT be any permanent eye damage. DQ's infection seems to be improving. And, we received news from TP's doctor today that TP NO LONGER HAS TO TAKE HER IMMUNOSUPPRESSANT MEDICATIONS!!! She is totally off of them - much quicker than we anticipated!!!! What a miracle! But, of course, that was the message that the "Man in the moon" was trying to convey to me, wasn't it???

My Last Week of "Vacation"

TP is back at school, DQ returns on Thursday.

The house is a mess. Christmas decorations are still up. Old kitchen countertops will be pulled off and new ones installed on Friday, along with new sink and faucets. New refrigerator and new freezer will be delivered that day, too.

Paperwork has piled up, and even though I worked all day on trying to put a dent into it, I barely scratched the surface. Bills were paid, though. But, I am still trying to figure out how to pay the large Discover bill from Christmas.

Dog needs a bath. Now. She puked three times - thanks to eating a half a box of chocolate covered cherries. It was SO much fun to clean up after her!

I start back to CURVES tomorrow. It's a lifesaver, in more ways than one. Then, I have to pick up TP at college, as she has several doctor appointments and a hair appointment all scrunched into a four hour time period. After I take her back to school, I need to take down the Christmas decorations and do some ironing.

I've scheduled a "day off" for Thursday, but I have to take all the stuff out from underneath the sink, because of the sink and countertop installation on Friday, and take out all the food from the old freezer and figure out what to do with it and the food in the current refrigerator due to the delivery on Friday. It should be an interesting feat. I also have to call a lawyer in regards to a subpoena I received where I am supposed to testify at the end of January. Wonderful. Patient/therapist confidentiality is quite a constraint. I'm sure the attorney won't go easy on me, either. Who knows - maybe I'll end up in jail. Hey, I could use a vacation, don't 'ya think?!

I start back to "work" on Saturday. I can't wait - I need a break!!!!

2007

My 2007 appointment book is spread out next to me on my bed. January is already filled up with client's names, doctor appointments, deadlines to meet, phone calls to make, luncheons to attend, school-related activities, church ministry schedule, and other miscellaneous to-do items. The months after January are still somewhat blank, but I know that they, too, shall fill up quickly. I glance through the pages from my 2006 book, and I wonder if I used my time wisely last year. Did I waste too much time worrying or by spending too much time in aimless and meaningless activities? Did I push aside my family and friends too often when I felt as though I needed to finish yet one more thing on my to-do list? Did I fail to nourish my relationship with God because I was just too busy to take a moment to praise Him or thank Him for all that He has given to me?

2006 was a difficult year for me in many ways - yet I learned so many valuable lessons as a result of that pain. The phrase "no pain, no gain" comes to mind, yet that doesn't aptly describe the process I have gone through. What I do realize is that I have just barely begun to learn about life and love and all of God's mysteries. God is pushing me to uncover all those layers of self-protection I have put on over the past few years, and He's challenging me to become more open and vulnerable to His direction, His guidance, and yes, His love.

So, the MOST important daily "appointment" in my 2007 book will be time spent in the presence of the Lord - in prayer, in reflection, or perhaps just even in stillness. For the thought occurs to me that perhaps one of the reasons why this past year was so difficult for me is because I wasn't letting God take over my life. I wasn't listening to His voice often enough. I wasn't writing down my thoughts often enough to try to make sense of what was going on. That is why I've decided to get back into my blogging at "full force". And I'm asking all of you to help me with this, OK? Challenge me, give me a good kick when I need it, encourage me, and just hold me accountable when appropriate, OK?

And perhaps, just perhaps, 2007 may turn out to be the BEST year of my life! One of my best friends recently said "Approach each day as if it's a masterpiece - create it's beauty with your words and actions towards others". A very wise woman, indeed.

I encourage each of you to check out January's edition of CWO where the theme for the month is one of new beginnings. This edition is absolutely wonderful (thanks again, Darlene!), so please grab your favorite beverage, and head on over to www.christianwomenonline.net ! Happy New Year, everyone!