Bucket of Parts--the transplant blog: My Family Onscreen

Bucket of Parts--the transplant blog: My Family Onscreen

Please go and read my friend's blog entry. Emily's story is a very unique one, and I have long admired her courage and strength and grace throughout her illness.

She has written a moving review of the new movie which is out, "My Sister's Keeper," which is a movie which DQ wants to take me to. I am wondering if there will be similarities or parallels to our family life with the family which is featured in this movie. Emily found several instances where it reminded her of her own situation.

I will write my own review after we see the movie. I am curious to see how DQ reacts to it all. And, I'd really like to go see it with TP sometime as it will bring back many memories, I am sure. Out of pain, comes strength - and that is so true of TP.

Something to Ponder

Deb, my friend "Ukok" from overseas, left a comment on my post about my decision to discontinue writing. I visited her blog, and lo and behold, I saw this quote on her sidebar from Henri Nouwen:

Writing can be a true spiritual discipline. Writing can help us to concentrate, to get in touch with the deepers stirrings of our hearts, to clarify our minds, to process confusing emotions, to reflect on our experiences, to give artistic expression to what we are living, and to store significant events in our memories. Writing can also be good for others who might read what we write. Quite often a difficult, painful, or frustrating day can be "redeemed" by writing about it. By writing we can claim what what we have lived and thus integrate it more fully into our journeys. Then writing can become lifesaving for us and sometimes for others too."

What Henri wrote explains perfectly why I've always loved to write. My undergrad degree is in English. It's been a part of my life since I started writing short stories in 3rd grade and since I started keeping a journal when I was 14 after my mom died. This quote has given me something new to ponder since my decision to take a break from this blog. I'm not sure it means that I will come back to writing during the summer, but I am sure it means I haven't given up writing all together (which is where I believe I have been heading). So, thanks, Deb, for pointing me back into my world of words, which has been a love of mine for a long time.

Please visit Deb's website at http://catholicconvert.wordpress.com . She's a wonderful writer and artist, and I'm blessed to call her a friend.

Happy Birthday to My Husband

Today is my husband's birthday. It's difficult to imagine life without him because he's been in my life for over 35 years. He's been a source of strength, comfort, protection, love, and sometimes irritation (hah - I couldn't let this be all mushy!) I hope he's around for another 30 or 40 years, so that we can grow old together and enjoy the fruits of our labor. I pray that God continues to bless this godly man with health and stamina and the grace to continue to guide our family for many years to come.

I love you, babe. Thanks for being you. Thanks for being mine. And thanks for being our kid's dad.

Update

It's official. I've decided to retire this blog at least until this fall. There are many things on my plate right now - things which I have shared with no one - and I need my privacy during this time. Eventually, when the time is right, I will be able to share all that has happened and transpired in my personal as well as my professional life. In the meantime, you can be assured of my prayers for you, and I ask that you keep me in your prayers.

So, please have a restful summer. You can check back every now and then to see if a quick update has been posted, but don't be surprised if there is nothing on here. My words are failing me right now, it is time to rest.

God bless.

Decision to Make

I am seriously considering shutting down this blog.

It has chronicled my life as a mom for the past 4 years.

Through it all, I have loved being my kids' mom.

But it's too difficult to continue writing right now.

I will make my decision over the next few days.

Love to you all.

Valerie

Belonging

"And it came to me, and I knew what I had to have before my soul would rest.

I wanted to belong - to belong to my mother.

And in return - I wanted my mother to belong to me."

~Gloria Vanderbilt

Reflections

DQ is leaving in just a little while to spend a week on the ocean in a beachfront house. That would be my ideal vacation. She is excited about this adventure, as this will be her first time away with just friends - no parents! And, because of the group of young ladies she is going with, I have trust in her that all will be well, and the decisions she makes will be good ones. When she comes back, it will be time to take driver's ed (she's postponed it for a couple of years), and working to get money together for school and gas for the nice car which has been waiting patiently for her in the driveway. The open house we had last week for her was so much fun, and the monetary gifts she received have really helped her savings account for college expenses! Anyway, I can't wait to hear all about her experiences with her friends at the beach house.



So, this week shall be a quiet one for me. But, I have so much to keep me busy - and I'm rather looking forward to a quiet house. It will give me time to think, to pray, to mourn and heal some more. I am still missing TP so much. I think of her several times during the day, and say prayers for her often. I wish there were ways in which I could help her, but I know there are none, not until she is willing to accept my help. She is under a lot of stress right now, and my heart goes out to her. While we have come to the conclusion to agree to disagree about what she is doing with her life, I am worried that this is going to be how she spends the rest of her life and how it will affect her and her baby - in poverty, under a lot of stress, no emotional or financial support where she's living at, no opportunities to make a better life for her or her child, and being being blinded by the lies and broken promises she continues to hold onto. Oh babe, I want so much more for you out of life! All you have to do is reach out and grab onto the lifeline we've offered - but we know you aren't ready for that yet. We are patient. We will wait. We will pray that someday you will come back to us and to the Lord.

I am reminded today of how precious life is, and to spend all the time you can with your family members who love and support you, no matter what, and not waste your time and energy on others who drag you down or who are like poison to you. A childhood friend's husband died suddenly yesterday - she had just retired (early) and they were going to move back home to TC and live in her parents house on top of the hill with the gorgeous view of the bay - and now he is gone. They worked so hard towards their retirement and were so excited about moving back to TC. In fact, some of their stuff has already been moved into the home in which they were planning to live. Another friend is facing a mastectomy today (stage 4 cancer). Her daughter is DQ's age, and they are close friends. Pam is a wonderful woman who's first thought is to help out others - and now she is the one on the receiving end. She's a tough yet gentle lady - and I can't imagine what this is doing to her family. She wrote on DQ's graduation card what a privilege it was to watch her and her daughter grow up into fine young women together, and she was looking forward to watching them succeed in life in the upcoming years. She has a positive, yet realistic outlook, and is treasuring each and every moment life offers her. I admire her courage and love her dearly. May both of my friends be comforted by God's presence in their pain, and may they stay safe in His graces.

A Father's LOve

Please visit the Christian Women Online ezine to read all of the wonderful Father's Day articles. My article can be found at http://www.christianwomenonline.net/issue/2009/06/a-fathers-love .

This was written with my husband in mind, as it exemplifies the love he has shown throughout the years towards our children.

It's a little bit early, but Happy FAther's Day, Cam! I love you! I know how painful this past year has been on you, too, but you still have exemplified unconditional love and forgiveness and patience throughout it all.

Congratulations, DQ!

Saturday was picture-perfect. The weather was gorgeous. The graduate looked regal and beautiful in her gold cap and gown. The ceremony was dignified and yet joyous - giving such meaning to and pride in the graduation of DQ. When she got back to her chair after getting her diploma, the sweet and pretty smile on her face said it all - I did it, Mom. Then, she shook her head when she saw my tears. I warned her I would cry, and I held true to my word. She knew they were bittersweet tears of joy and sadness, and she understood the significance behind them.

We took pictures afterwards in front of the podium - one of them will be selected for our family picture to be sent out in the Christmas card this year. Her godfather did the honors of picture-taking, and you could see the pride in his eyes when we took a picture of him with his "favorite" godchild, whom he has so lovingly helped to raise in our faith. The afternoon/early evening was spent going to open houses . And then, her senior party was from 10:30 p.m. to 2:00 a.m. at a place about a half an hours' drive from here. Believe me, I had so much fun driving down the road at that time of morning!

Sunday was an extremely busy day, trying to get everything done for DQ's open house. And when the guests arrived, it was worth all the work and the time and the effort. DQ did a lot of the food preparation, and everyone remarked on what a great chef she is! It was good to see so many people come out to help her celebrate the monumental occasion. She had so much fun, and I delighted in watching her play the hostess role. Sadly, her sister wasn't there - and people asked about TP and said that they missed her smiling face and presence. We did, too. I pray she doesn't come to regret all of these family functions she has missed over the past year - not being part of the fabric which holds and binds a family together.

So, now I can breathe a huge sigh of relief. Today, I had 10 appointments at work, and the same holds true for tomorrow. I am exhausted, so I can't wait for Wednesday, when I can sleep in a little and have my massage in the morning.

I'm looking forward to the summer. I have lots of different projects to keep me busy. I don't want to spend any more time mourning and being depressed - I just can't do that to myself anymore. I have to find my joy within the relationships where I am treasured as well. I have to stop yearning for something/someone which I can never have again. I can only pray that someday, my family will be complete again.

Anyway, congratulations, DQ! We are SO proud of you! Just think, in four short years, you'll be graduating from college! God bless you, sweetie. I love you!