On This First Day of Fall. . .

HAPPY AUTUMN!

May you enjoy this season of bounty and beauty, warm days and cool nights, football games and marching bands, bonfires and roasted marshmallows, hayrides and pumpkins, and preparing our hearts and homes for the upcoming winter months. This is my most favorite time of the year!

Where Can I Go?

There are times when I struggle being a mom. Times when I just want to throw in the towel and walk away. Times when it hurts too much, and the weight is too heavy for my shoulders.

Right now, I feel so unappreciated, so taken advantage of, and so disrespected. What I say falls on deaf ears. What I do goes unnoticed or is criticized. What I long for goes unrecognized or is ignored. My hopes are irrelevant and not validated. My dreams have been put on hold for so long that I barely rememember what they were.

I want to run away, for a long time. I struggle with getting up in the morning because I know what I am going to be facing - I am the invisible entity in the household who magically does everything for everybody, who is supposed to keep on giving without getting anything in return, who is supposed to keep on smiling despite the emptiness inside.

There is nowhere to go. If I left, would anybody even notice? Have other moms ever felt this way? I just want to give up.

The Spam-Prevention Robots Strike Again

"This blog has been locked by Blogger's spam-prevention robots. You will not be able to publish your posts, but you will be able to save them in drafts. Save your post as a draft or "click here" for more about what's going on and hot to get your blog unlocked".



Huh? Apparently, Blogger's robots have detected that my blog has "characteristcs of a spam blog". Now, I have to "patiently wait" while they verify that I am not "spam".



In the meantime, my fingers are twitching because I have wanted to update my blog for the past couple of days.

UPDATE: I've been "cleared for regular use". Whew. I'll post as soon as I find my way out of my mountain of paperwork. . .

Heaven 9/11

In rememberance. . . may we NEVER forget.

My Daughters

School started last week for my youngest, DQ. She is a junior this year (gasp!) and has joined band for the very first time, playing the trumpet. She took about five trumpet lessons this summer, and picked it up fairly quickly (she took piano and violin lessons for several years, so she is musically inclined). While practices can be grueling, she absolutely loves the experiences this activity has provided -and I wish she would have started when she was a freshman! She will be going to Disney in Florida the day after Christmas this year for a week.

She has matured so much over the summer. She has become more outgoing, more vocal and expressive about issues and her life, and she smiles a lot more. At long last, I think she is healing from her negative experiences when she was in 7th and 8th grade. Last year was difficult for her, too, when her older sister was away at college - DQ was worried about TP, and had difficulty in many areas as a result of that anxiety and concern. She watched as her older sister went through many difficult experiences, and felt helpless when she wanted to reach out to prevent TP from getting hurt. DQ is turning into quite a sensitive yet sensible young lady, with a beautiful smile and a big heart and a desire to write the next most famous American novel!

TP is waiting for her sophomore year of college to start. It seems strange to think that a year ago at this time, I was saying "goodbye" to her as she headed out the door to live on a campus about twenty miles from here. This year, she'll be living at home while she starts up at a new college where she'll work on a 3 year accelerated BSN program. Some of her credits transferred, so it won't take her quite the full 3 years - she was able to shave off one semester. She's been working hard this summer to earn money, and she's been spending a lot of time with the new man in her life. I see her struggling, still, over the negative effects of her last two boyfriends, who were very abusive and controlling and who hurt her very deeply. They turned her into a young woman who became the total opposite of what she's truly like - she went from being kind and compassionate and spontaneous and loving into being rude and rebellious and selfish and manipulative. They stripped away her self-esteem and replaced it with self-doubt and loathing of herself and an intense dislike of her family and a rejection of her values. Their influence was profoundly felt by all of us, and it left us in fear of what was becoming of our daughter. During and in between the relationships with these two guys, she became so emotionally fragile, and she made some bad choices, and she's still suffering the consequences of those choices. But what I have noticed over the past couple of months is that she is trying to "get back" some of her old personality, even though there is still a lot of anger inside of her left over from the treatment she received from these guys as well as the choices she made. She is only just now beginning to heal - and it makes me just want to cry thinking about all that she has been through. And then, when you factor in the effects that her illness has had on her, it makes me even sadder to realize how scarred her soul must be right now. But, like I said, I see glimmers of hope, I see some of the "old" TP coming back - and I relish those moments when I get a spontaneous hug or an "I love you" from her. At night, sometimes I cry when I think of her pain. Sometimes I get so angry at those guys that I could do some serious damage to them, if you know what I mean. But all I do right now is pray for her - pray that she finds healing in the love surrounding her so that she no longer feels like we have to "prove" to her that she IS loved and loveable, pray that she stays on track with her schooling, pray that her choices are based on her values, and pray that TP will fully find her way back into our warm embraces. We're here for you, babe - and we love you!

It's Back. . .

My "old" blogskin is back for now. . .

I still love my most recent one (thanks, Susie, at BlueBird Blogs) and will use it again (I highly recommend Susie, by the way) - but what with the fall coming, I decided that this one "fit" my mood better.

My favorite time of the year is upon us - autumn.

I have so much writing to catch up on - and I am going to try to get back on a more routine schedule starting this week. Lots of things have been happening lately, and thus lots of things to write about. A couple of BIG announcements about two new blogs out there! The fiirst is a blog where I will be a regular contributor beginning Thursday - it's still under construction right now but you can check it out at www.bringinghealthyback.com . Paula of http://www.paulaswalk.com/ is the creator of this new blog, which will focus on ways to eat healthier and live healthier life styles. Another blog is dedicated to the plight of CJ (www.imperfectchristian.com/public/ )and her son, and it's located at http://bloggingforjustice.blogspot.com/ . This was created by some people who believe that an injustice was done by the legal system when CJ lost physical custody of her son.

Hope you're all enjoying Labor Day!