To Where You Are - Josh Groban

After all that I've been through the past few weeks, I have this strong need for my mom's love and comfort and strength. This song brings me closer to her, as I know she is at least watching over me from up above. To those of you with moms who are still around - go and give her a big hug, tell her you love her, and don't ever take her for granted.

Thanks!

God answers prayers. . . sometimes in ways in which we want him to, other times we have to trust His will when He answers our prayers in different ways other than what we have asked. In this case, God's answer was for my test results was to show no abnormalities or tumors in my gall bladder, liver, pancreas, abdomen, or spleen! Now we just have to figure out why I'm having the pain, which could be as "simple" as GERD or IBS. And my bone density scan actually has shown an improvement over the one I had 5 years ago - I went from having osteoporosis then to now having osteopenia. That still means that I have low bone mineral density, but it's not as low as what it was - and I did that over the course of 5 years WITHOUT meds, but with increasing calcium intake and doing weight-bearing exercise!!!

So, God is good, and I thank him for helping me through all of my anxieties and fears. And I thank you, my dear friends, for your support and prayers. You're the best!

Anxiously Awaiting

I'm trying not to read too much into the fact that I should have heard today about the tests which were run yesterday. In fact, I really should have heard yesterday. Both times that I have talked to the doctor's office, the nurse has said that the results aren't there yet - but that is doctor-speak for the doctor has my chart on his desk and just hasn't gotten around to calling me yet. My regular doctor, a female, is on vacation this week, and her fill-in is quite busy covering not only my doctor's patients but his own as well. So, I am sure he's very overworked right now, which is the most likely reason why he hasn't called yet. But, my mind is busy with anxiety - thinking the worst - that perhaps he hasn't called because the results are bad and he has to contact my regular doctor to see how she wants to handle it all, or he's trying to find a specialist to send me to. Then, I recall that usually doctors call the patients who have the bad results first, thus making those with relatively good or not-so-bad results have to wait for their news.

I hate waiting. I'm not very good at this at all. It reminds me of the time when I really was ill, and had to have major surgery - and how difficult and painful that experience was for me. All I can do is pray, and wait, and pray some more. Thanks for checking in.

Thank you, TP

Hey, sweetie - I know you read my blog, so I have a few things I want to say to you.

I love you. You will always be my daugher, and nothing you could ever do or say will ever change the fact that you are loved very deeply by me. We've had our tough times, but I know that we are both wanting to be close again and build up that trust once more. The past few days, you've been back to the "old" TP who'd give spontaneous hugs and say "I love you" several times throughout the day. I have missed that so much! You've worked so hard to get our relationship back on track, and I thank you so very much. Please do NOT let anyone or anything get in the way of your relationship with us or with God, because it's so difficult to find your way back.

Your job this term is to study hard, period. No more interruptions, crisis situations, procrastinating, or anything (or anyone) else which might get in the way of realizing your dream. YOU CAN DO THIS, GIRL! You've been through much more difficult things than this, and I know that once you put your mind to it, nothing will stop you.

So, my love and prayers are with you this last quarter of your freshman year. It's your turn to shine brightly and show everybody the stuff of which you are made!

God bless you, babe!

One More Prayer

Many thanks for all of your prayers regarding my current situation. I'm having some outpatient tests on Monday to determine whether or not I will need surgery, so if you have any extra prayers inside of you, I'd appreciate a couple. Sorry - it seems like I'm burdening you with all of this, but just know that I do keep each and every one of you in my daily prayers. I'll get around to visiting blogs this weekend, I promise!

You've Got a Friend -

To TP, who just turned 19 on Tuesday - always know that I love you and want what is best for you!

Michael W. Smith - Healing Rain

Thank you, my friends.

Not Such a Good Mom After All

As you can tell by my last post, a lot is going on in my life right now. I honestly believe that for the past year, we've been experiencing a lot of spiritual attacks - the worst being just recently.

I've always thought I was a decent mom. I've tried to bring up my kids the right way - with faith and love and morals. Obviously, somewhere along the line, I failed miserably - at least that is what I've been told in so many words.

I'm seriously considering closing down this blog all together - it's a sham. I've devoted my life to being my kids' mom - that's been my one true vocation from God, and it's been an honor and a privelege to serve God and my kids in this way. But I can't stomach the pain that I'm going through right now - when all that I have stood for and believed in is being put down and trampled over. It feels like I'm being stripped of my title "mom". I feel like I've lost the fight against all these spiritual attacks, and that the enemy has won.

So, without much energy right now, plus with having a bunch of medical problems which will be getting looked into soon, I'm probably going to take a break. Thanks for all your love and support, and please keep me in your prayers as I face the unknown over the next few weeks.

Help us, Lord

Hey, folks. Crisis time again. I've had the wind knocked out of me - basically punched in the gut without the other person even caring how much it hurts me and how it's going to hurt and affect her forever.

I want to die right now. I haven't felt this way since I battled with depression years ago and I was suicidal. All that I've done for the past 19 years has just been shoved in my face and told that it didn't matter, that her faith doesn't matter to her anymore, and she doesn't care what I think or what others think.

My husband is shaking - he's so hurt by this. He looks like he's in shock and like he wants to cry. Physically, I'm sick to my stomach, and my body won't stop shaking.

I don't even know her anymore. Who is this girl who had so much going for her, and now has given up so much of herself? Who has she become?

I'm going to go get sick now.

"Dr." Phil is NOT an M.D.

I've never been a big fan of Dr. Phil. As a psychotherapist, I think oftentimes his "advice" is questionable. After his most recent comments about Lupus, I think he needs to have his license revoked.

On Monday, March 5th, Dr. Phil was talking to a friend of Anna Nicole Smith, who claimed that Anna had told him that she "had a blood disorder and it was lupus". Dr. Phil commented : "{lupus} is an autoimmune deficiency. BUT IT IS NOT A LIFE THREATENING ILLNESS. It is something that is rather akin to athritis. And it can cause very debilitating problems of the joints, heart, lungs and skin. All types of things, but it can be controlled very effectively in most cases with medication".

This portrayal of Lupus contributes to the public's misconceptions about this devastating illness. Lupus is NOT just about aches, pains and fatigue. It can be, and often is, a life-threatening and life-diminishing disease.

I sent an e-mail to Dr. Phil. I explained to him that my oldest daughter was diagnosed with Lupus Nephritis three years ago. I asked him how he came to the conclusion that Lupus was NOT a life threatening illness. Had he held his child's head as she vomited continuously from chemotherapy, watched her as her blood pressure soared to 170/120, or sat next to her as she lay comatose in PICU? I told him that I was a psychotherapist, too, but that I would NEVER give out medical opinions like he just did because I do NOT have an M.D. after my name, and neither does he! I said that he had perhaps even a greater moral and ethical obligation than I did to NOT give out medical opinions because he reaches a far larger audience than I do, and people view him as an "expert" on these things. I asked him to set aside some time on his show and space on his website to explain that he erred in his comments, and to apologize for minimizing this disease and for giving out false information, if he was professional enough to do so.

Guess what?

He hasn't responded personally to my email, he hasn't responded to the Lupus Foundation of America's pleas to address this issue on his show, and his website still has not retracted his statements nor has he issued an apology.

Doesn't suprise me. His lack of professionalism reeks. Do me a favor and send your comments to "Dr." Phil - http://www.drphil.com/plugger/respond/?plugID=9164

Thanks for letting me vent.

A Double LIfe

When a person says one thing to me, and yet is saying or doing something entirely different when not in front of me, I am bewildered by it. Not only does this affect the trust within the relationship, but it also lets me know that this person is covering up for their behaviors because they know their behaviors are wrong.

It must be very difficult for this person to lead a double life. To be pretending to be a certain way with me, all the while knowing underneath that the lies are covering up the truth of what is going on. How exhausting it must be to be involved in this kind of conflict - to lie, to have to make up stories, to pray that the lies and deceit are not found out. When it becomes easier to lie, then the relationship has been diminished greatly. The person who is lying has lost all respect for the other person, and vice-versa.

It is painful to watch this occur. All I can do is pray that this person finally decides that TRUTH needs to be the foundation of our relationship. I hate being lied to. I hate watching how the lies erode the trust and respect within our relationship. I hate feeling hurt and angry when I know the lies are being told, yet I don't say a word, hoping that this person will eventually come to me with the truth. If I did confront this person that I know about the lies and deceit, then it would defeat the purpose of this person taking responsibility for all that has transpired and telling me the truth and asking for forgiveness. Besides, more than likely this person would deny telling me the lies.

I just pray that when this person finally does come to me, that it is not too late. I will always love this person, but I will not be taken for a fool. There will come a point in time where the trust will be so broken, the respect so lost, that the relationship may never be able to be repaired to the way it used to be.

May God open up this person's heart and soul so that His grace and love can enter, showing this person that this kind of deception is evil and hurtful and can cause rifts which are very difficult to heal.

Daily Life

I know, it's been quiet around here on my blog. But not quiet around my house. A lot of things happening - both good and not-so-good - which cause me to think and ponder and pray.

My youngest has been struggling academically due to her ADHD. Here's a kid with an extremely high IQ, and her performance just doesn't match with the IQ score - which is typical with ADHD kids. Thus, she and kids like her get labeled "lazy" or "unmotivated". If I could figure out a magic formula which would work for her and others like her, I would gladly do it. She is very capable of the work, but either she forgets to bring the work home, or loses it between here and school, or only completes half of the assignment, or just forgets an assignment all together. When she actually completes the work and hands it in, she gets straight A's. The ability to focus and concentrate is virtually non-existent, and her disorganization is beyond comprehension. Through a lot of hard work over the years, she's always been able to finish school with almost all A's and B's. This year, it's totally different. Guess what the difference is this year? She's not taking her meds! So, for those of you who poo-poo the idea that these kids who are truly diagnosed with ADHD don't really need their meds, I say to you "PFFFFLLLLTTT"! You can't imagine the kind of stress this puts on not only the kid, but the parent(s) as well.

TP is facing finals next week. This quarter went by SO fast. She applied to be an RA, but didn't get the job the first time around, so she is on the alternate list in case if somebody drops out of the program. She was very disappointment, and actually quite shocked because she was told she had gotten it by one of the people who had interviewed her. However, we are cautiously optimistic that she'll still be one in the fall, and she is going to go ahead and take the class this upcoming quarter in order to be prepared. If she doesn't get in in the fall, then she'll be up on the list for the following year. She's done quite well this term with all of her classes (even Anatomy and Physiology), and her advisor is fairly certain that TP will be admitted into the nursing school. We'll find out for sure on May 1st (say a little prayer, please, that this comes to fruition). She's been having difficulties with her roommate which I won't go into here, and she's been under a lot of stress with all of her pledging activities. All in all, though, she is handling herself quite well - and she's taking these challenges and learning so much from each of them! I'm really proud of her for how well she's juggled everything this term and she still kept her sanity and sense of humor (right, TP?).

I'm trying to decide what to do with my office space - I'm not sure if I should stay in the office I've had for 15 years, or get a larger one. The rents are about the same - but there are pros and cons for either decision. I'm working on taxes. I'm getting other paperwork caught up. I'm starting on spring housecleaning. I want to paint the upstairs and two rooms downstairs. Spring fever has finally hit!!!!!

So, life goes on, and I'm grateful for my little family who loves me and who keeps me busy :-) .

I'll get back to writing more frequently here before too long. I hope all is well with all of you!

Grace and Gratitude

Sometimes a song touches your heart, and says what you long to say in many ways. This song by Olivia Newton-John is one such song. Thank you for everything, dear Lord.